Christmas...Past, Present, and Future

As a kid, I loved Christmas: the Christmas music (especially sung at church), the lights on the houses, the tree with all our school-made ornaments, and the traditions of our family. After moving to Cedar, we sometimes we went to Vernal to celebrate the holiday with extended family, but most of the time, we stayed home and celebrated it with just our family. Christmas Eve, after dinner of ham, potato casserole, rolls, veggies, and other goodnesses, we'd drive around looking at the lights on houses, singing Christmas carols. I'm sure us kids would fight at times, but I don't remember. *smile* When we got home, we read the Christmas story from the Bible and got to open one present before going to bed. When I was younger, I'd always hope for some really cool toy to open, but it was always pj's. After a few years, I caught on to the pattern and realized that present would always be pj's and finally understood the coolness of getting to wear brand-new pajamas to bed Christmas Eve. Of course, we would leave a plate full of homemade sugar cookies and a glass of milk for Santa. Then we'd put our individual stocking in our "place". This place signified where Santa was to put our gifts when he came.

Christmas morning, we weren't allowed to get out of bed until a certain time - preset the night before. I remember being awake in bed, willing the alarm clock to go faster so I could get out of bed. (I was an extremely obedient child, as you know.) Corey would come in and get me and sometimes we'd go look at our presents before waking up Jason and Kevin. We'd all play with our new toys an hour or so before waking up our parents (also a preset time from the night before). After showing them our loot, we'd open up the presents under the tree. We took turns (usually youngest, Kevin, to oldest, Dad), opening up one gift at a time, so we all got to be the center of attention for a moment and so that present would get its proper importance. It also stretched out the fun, something I really enjoyed. Oh, and we always had stuff in our stockings, too. Stocking stuffers wouldn't be anything extravagant, especially when compared to what I've heard about from other people, usually just an apple, orange, banana, some candy, nuts, and maybe a small toy. After presents were opened, we'd have Mom's breakfast casserole, then spend the morning playing with our toys and often playing the game(s) Santa had left for the family. For lunch, we'd have Mom's delicious clam chowder. I can eat clam chowder from restaurants, but none of them are as tasty as Mom's. I really need to learn how to make it someday. The rest of the day was really relaxed. Lots of spending time together. It was wonderful.

When my parents divorced, things changed. We developed new traditions, started having two Christmases - one at Mom's and one at Dad's, and I lost a little of my Christmas spirit. I hate to say it, but it's true. It took a few years, but eventually, I started to dislike Christmas. I still enjoyed the music/singing, the lights on houses, and all that stuff, but I started to dread Christmas Day. I hated leaving my mom all alone on Christmas Day when we went to Dad's. Then I felt bad leaving Dad's house because we usually didn't stay there very long. And, I felt bad bringing the gifts from him and Paula home to my mom's. I probably made it worse than I should have, but what can I say, I'm a sensitive gal. *smile* Then my brothers got married and started having kids. Kids make Christmas. That's all there is to it. Having in-laws to plan around, and then a nephew we only got to see on Christmas Eve complicated Christmas. It started to become a 2-day affair. Since Kevin only had Scott on Christmas Eve, we'd spend part of that day with Mom and part with Dad. Repeat that on Christmas Day. I always ended up being the one who coordinated when we'd go where, and frankly, I hated it. I always had fun once the festivities were upon us, of course. I just wish I had relaxed enough to enjoy it beforehand. Ah well. Live and learn, right?

Two years ago, I scheduled my lap band surgery for December 23rd for two reasons; one because it was the best time to take off work and the other to avoid some of the stress that I caused myself at this time of year. It helped. Then last year, I decided to go to Paris on Christmas Day. I was still around long enough to be able to enjoy the festivities, but I was determined to not let the normal frustrations interfere with my excitement. This was a break-through for me. I finally realized that I didn't need to make sure everyone was happy. This wasn't my responsibility. I didn't have kids, I was single. Why did I need to make the plans? So I didn't. And I had a really enjoyable Christmas. I realized how stupid I had been for so many years and was determined that I wouldn't be ever again...at least about Christmas.

This year is the first year in a long time that I won't be spending Christmas with my family. Steve and I are going to Denver for Christmas. We fly out tomorrow afternoon and are coming back Tuesday afternoon. Since we're leaving on Christmas Eve, we're opening our presents tomorrow morning and doing "traditional" Christmas Eve night stuff tonight. After dinner, we're going to watch a Christmas movie (probably the cartoon version of the Grinch since he's opposed to Charlie Brown), then drive around looking at the lights on people's houses. I'm betting I won't get him to sing carols with me. *smile* When we get home, we'll have hot chocolate and open our stocking stuffers. In the morning, we'll open our presents and have breakfast. I'm thinking of making a quiche or maybe Mom's breakfast casserole! (I just thought of that while I typed.)

I don't know what the future holds, but I know I want to be with Steve for every Christmas yet to come. I want to have traditions that are ours, traditions that we establish together and can pass on to our children, if we have them. I know that some years we'll spend with my family and hopefully we'll spend some with his family. No matter where we are, I'm going to be with Steve and that makes me happy. The future certainly looks bright.

Wherever you are going to be this Christmas, whoever you're going to be with, whatever your traditions are, I hope you have a very wonderful day!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,
First of all, thank you sooooo much for the wonderful presents you gave me from my list last year! The trip to Paris was a dream come true, better than I could have ever hoped for. It was exciting, romantic, inspiring, and I got to spend half of the trip with my dearest friend, Cardine. Kissed four guys, saw pages and pages of historical sites (Notre Dame, Montmartre, and the Louvre being some of my favs), and visited TWO amazing cemeteries! Plus I ate an acre worth of pastries but walked so much I ended up losing 7 lbs. Yay!

Thank you for the new job too. The salary was quite a bit less than what I had been making, but it had potential to increase and it had health insurance, retirement benefits, and free tuition. Oh, and I loved the people with whom I worked. I liked it so much that I planned on working there for years to come, if not for the rest of my professional life. That said...

A million merci's for the boyfriend. Actually, you were really generous with this one; two boyfriends (not at the same time) and multiple interactions with several different guys. It was a romantically educational year for me, culminating in Steve, the man I love with all my heart and who I hope to be with the rest of my life. He is perfect for me in so many ways. Definitely the best present you could ever leave for me under the Christmas tree. I must have been a really good girl.

I probably wasn't as good a girl this year, but I'm hoping the scales will be tipped in my favor. On the chance that they are, here is my Christmas Wish List for this year.

1. A job. It's really hard being unemployed. I'm fortunate to have a place to live, renters who pay my mortgage, and someone who cares for me. I'm learning to depend on someone else (which is remarkably difficult though something I need to learn), but my self image is suffering. It doesn't have to be the bestest job ever; just something that pays my bills and gives me money to spend on myself and others. I'd prefer an office job, M-F, evenings and weekends off.

2. A ring. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get one this next year, but why not wish for it anyway. I've never wanted to get married more than I do now. I want to spend the rest of my life with Steve. I want to be his wife.

3. Mario Kart. For the Wii, with 2-4 steering wheel attachments. I love this game. I haven't played it since Kyle borrowed it from his brother and I miss it. I've probably lost all my skills. *sigh* I'm a little disappointed I didn't get it last year, but you gave me so many other wonderful gifts, so I'm not too upset. *smile*

4. A dog. I want a dog. I've wanted a dog for years but just haven't been in the right situation til now. I have a wonderful house and it's surrounded by a great neighborhood and close to an amazing walking path. I'd love a greyhound or a boxer. Nothing small and yappy, please.

5. A local friend. I already have some of the bestest friends a gal could ever wish for. However, they all live far away. I could really use a good friend that lives close...less than 15 minutes away would be awesome. Someone I can just hang out with without having to get on the freeway to see them. Someone to go to chick flicks with. Someone who doesn't want to hang out too often, because, quite frankly, I like to spend most of my free time with Steve.

6. Love and joy for all my friends and family. I am so blessed with the people I have in my life. Please bless them with the things that will make them happiest this year.

Well, that's it. My life is already pretty wonderful, so these items would be the cherry on top (except a job - that would be several scoops of ice cream). Thank you in advance for the presents you'll be giving this year!

Merry Christmas!

Julie :)

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

I love walking. It calms my soul, energizes my body, and puts me in a good mood, regardless of how I feel when I start out.

One of the things I missed about my home in Cedar was its proximity to a wonderful walking path. It gave me several route and distance options, and I didn't have to worry about traffic. When I moved to Layton, I enjoyed discovering the neighborhoods near my home, but only one route really satisfied my walking requirements and I knew I would soon get bored with it. Then I moved to Riverdale and, happiness of all happinesses, there's a river walking path just a block or so away from my home! Yay!

Steve and I started exploring the area even before we moved in and I knew it would be perfect for my walking style. There are several different "routes" for me to choose from, all of which are just variations of the same path but which will keep me from getting bored. It's been fun to see the path change with the season, too. We started exploring in October, with the leaves changing into beautiful oranges, reds, and yellows. Last week, after being dumped on, the walking path became a beautiful winter wonderland. One day, I happened to have my cell phone along for the walk and decided to take pictures, as I was kind of mourning the fact that no one was around to share the beauty of the morning with me. Please keep in mind that A) I used a cell phone to take the pictures and 2) I'm not an accomplished photographer...or even a semi-respectable one. That said, here they are.

Most of the walk had been plowed but I thought it was really pretty during this long stretch of walkway that hadn't been. And, it gave my legs an extra work-out. Woohoo!

The Weber river is really close to the path and there are stretches of the walkway that give a perfect view of it. Steve can't wait to fish along the river this Spring.

There are actually 3 wooden bridges along the walkway...at least just 3 that I've found so far. The path is super duper long and I've only scratched its surface. I LOVE wooden bridges, so it makes the walking path just that much more enjoyable for me.

This is a view from one of the bridges, facing away from the river. It's hard to believe that Riverdale Road, a busy commercial road, is just a few blocks away. Instead, I feel like I'm in the middle of the country. I love it.

My pictures fail to capture the wonderful peace and beauty of the moment. The only thing that would have made walking this path in all its loveliness any better would have been to share it with someone I love. Where were you all? *smile*

Having Faith and Hope

Life sometimes makes me chuckle.
.
Because if I didn't chuckle, I'd probably break down and cry.

Okay, I did cry a little. A week ago, I was laid off from my chiropractic job.

Yep. After deciding, and managing, to have a better attitude about my job, I was let go. It happened on a Friday, after the work day had ended. The day after I found out my car needed $700 worth of repairs. Steve had to pick me up from work that night because my car was still at the repair shop. I got into the car and responded to his questions monosyllabic-ally. He caught on fast and asked what was wrong. I started to cry and told him I'd been laid off. He pulled over and held me close until I stopped crying. We talked about my options. My boss had given me two options - to have Monday (the last day of the pay period) be my last day or to work a little longer while I searched for a new job. We decided to see if he'd let me work the rest of the month, just a couple weeks, but the money would be helpful. Steve took me out to dinner and I tried hard to forget about being laid off.

The next day, Saturday, we moved into our new home, which really helped to take my mind off my job situation. Nothing soothes the mind and soul like manual labor. I love the new house and already feel at home in it. This weekend, after spending Thanksgiving with my family, we'll bring up my red couches, kitchen table, and all the other stuff I left in Cedar. It will be awesome to have everything with me again.

Monday came and I asked my boss if I could work through the end of the month. He said that would be great and was happy that I had decided to stay a little longer. Um...how weird is that? If it were up to me, I'd be staying even longer, but whatever. Then, Wednesday after work, he called me into his office and said he had a better idea. Friday would be my last day and then he'd pay me for Monday (today) and Wednesday. That way I could get a little more money without having to work. It wasn't an option, it was how it was gonna be. I found out later that this change came about because the office manager, the diva I dislike, insisted that I be gone by the end of the week or she'd quit. Even though I dislike her, too, it was humbling to find out that someone dislikes me so much.

The past few months have been hard job-wise. I've learned just how much my self image has depended on having a good job, one that I enjoy and excel at and that challenges me. Not having a job like that has been really difficult. I don't regret moving here, being around Steve is worth all the job heartache. And, it's helping me develop a few attributes that I lack or am not strong in. I'm having to depend on someone else, something that my independent side struggles with. My brother gave me excellent advice about letting Steve take care of me and I'm doing my best to follow it. I'm grateful that I have such a wonderful, generous man in my life who is willing to take care of me when I need it (and when I don't). Most importantly, I'm having to have faith and hope that I'll find a good job soon; one that will pay the bills and that I'll really enjoy. I'm trusting God that He knows what is best for me and that if I work hard at searching for a job, one will pop up. I've already been blessed to have a friend let me know about some openings at her job. I'll just keep praying and crossing my fingers.

For years, I led a safe life. It was a good life but a part of me hoped for something more, something new. Boy, did I get what I hoped for! Life is fun and new and scary and exciting and nothing is for sure, and goll darn it, I'm happy.

Yay!

Attitude Adjustments

I'm constantly amazed by how often I need to remember how important my attitude is. A couple examples:

WORK
As I've mentioned before, I work at a chiropractic office. It's part-time, just Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for about 8 hours a day. It pays just enough to pay the bills and give me a little spending money. I was so happy when I got hired - a month without working had done a number on me - but then I got an interview at Weber State University and suddenly my attitude took a nose dive. I started to see that my boss could be a bit of a jerk. And the office manager is a diva that creates drama and tends to throw people under the bus for things she does. I started dreading going into work. I really wanted the WSU job - it was full-time so more money and included health insurance, free tuition, and life insurance. I loved working at SUU and was thrilled at the prospect of working on a university campus again.

Last week, when I found out I didn't get the job (they said they really liked me and would have hired me but the gal they hired had a little more experience at a university), I had to re-evaluate my attitude. I started remembering the positives about my job. It's really nice to have the weekends off (there are a lot of jobs that would require working weekends) and a couple days during the week to do whatever I want; write, exercise, cook, run errands, etc. With my better attitude, I stopped dreading going to work. Yes, the doctor may be a jerk sometimes and the diva still gets on my nerves, but I also work with two really awesome gals that make work a lot of fun. I'm comfortable with my job responsibilities and am getting to know the patients. And, I'm incredibly thankful to have a job at all with money coming in!

WEIGHT LOSS
I stepped on the scales not too long ago and it showed 175 lbs. I grimaced! I actually grimaced. Yes, the number hasn't significantly changed in quite awhile, but I still can't believe I was bummed at weighing 175 lbs. I once weighed 350!

Lately, I've been thinking of myself as being "so fat". A big part of this is due to the excess skin around my thighs, arms, stomach, and breasts that make me feel and look bigger than I would otherwise. I'm losing good habits and starting up bad habits again. In the two months I've lived here, I've stopped exercising as much and have started eating desserts and snacking more. These contribute to the disappointment I feel about myself and my weight loss. I remember thinking I was so skinny as I was able to fit into the theater seats without killing my hips. Or as I tried on smaller sized clothes than I wore in high school. When I thought of myself as skinny, I acted like I was skinny - being more active and being more in control of my eating. Now, I focus on the skin around my stomach, my saggy breasts, and the other areas of my body that aren't "perfect".

My friend Ashley wrote to me about how our thoughts about ourselves can help or hurt us in our goals; weight loss, quitting smoking, anything. If we think of ourselves as fat, we become fat. I know this first-hand as that is what happened as I grew up. I was taller and bigger than the other kids my age and decided I was fat (really just hit puberty sooner) and eventually fulfilled that belief by becoming obese. As I lost weight, I was so proud of myself and felt so good and those feelings fueled my desire to continue to lose more. Now, as I've hit a plateau and with only 15 lbs to lose to hit my doctor's recommended weight, I can see how my attitude has shifted and thrown me off the path I want to be on.

Instead of telling myself I need to lose weight and focusing on my imperfections, I need to tell myself how great I feel and how skinny I am. My brain will register that I'm skinny and will help me act like a skinny person. As I remember to appreciate my thinner body, I'll feel more comfortable in my own skin again, and will remember to love the feeling of running and walking and will do both more often. Instead of hearing the words "fat" and "bigger" repeated over and over, my brain will hear "pretty" and "amazing" and "thin". And that's what I'll become (or stay).

Instead of telling myself to stop eating desserts and stop snacking, I need to focus on eating good foods. My brain doesn't need to have chocolate cake repeated over and over - it tends to ignore the "no" in front of those two words and starts craving cake. So, I'm trying to say apple over and over again. Fortunately, I love apples, so it won't be a huge deprivation. And, I'm sticking with my 80/20 rule and will give myself the pleasure of chocolate every now and then. And, I'll keep telling myself that I'm satisfied and not hungry at all, then I won't feel the need to snack as often.

I know how to lose weight, I've lost A LOT! I'm hoping that my new attitude helps me at what I've heard and am learning for myself is the hardest thing to do - keep off the weight. I refuse to allow myself to gain back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I believe my attitude adjustment will go a long way to helping me accomplish this goal.

I'm no Pollyanna, but I really do believe that looking at the positive side of life and the situations found therein can make life a lot more enjoyable. I'm blessed to have so many positives in my life and remembering them puts a smile on my face even when I'm as blue as I can be.

Living without TV

Today, I'm not going to watch tv at all. In fact, I have a new plan involving television in my life.

Last month, I watched more television than I had in the past year. Not having a job, I'd wake up, turn on the tv, grab something to eat for breakfast, then pull out my laptop. I'd apply for multiple jobs online while watching Food Network shows by the half dozens. Then I'd go for a walk (sometimes, not often enough), shower and get ready, then watch tv while eating lunch. It would take me awhile to pull myself off the couch, but eventually I'd go out and apply at establishments in person. I'd get home about an hour before Steve got off work, so I'd watch more tv. Ofttimes, Steve and I would watch a show or two at night, too. In short, I watched a lot of tv!

Now that I have a job, I know my tv viewing will decrease substantially, but I also have two days off during the week. I can totally see myself sinking into the television abyss and not doing anything productive on those days until Steve gets off work. I don't want this to happen, so I'm experimenting with not watching tv on my 2 week days off (Tuesdays and Thursdays).

What are my plans? Here's a list of some things to do instead of watching tv:

1. Exercise. This past month, I've kind of gotten out of my exercise habit. Since I credit exercise with most of my weight loss, this isn't a good situation. So, I am rededicating myself to exercising every day and am going to start keeping track of my exercise again since that really helps me.

2. Write. I am not terribly ambitious about my writing. I will blog a little more and work on a novel I'd like to write. It would be awesome if something came of it, but really, at this point, I'd just like to say I finished a novel. I have the title and the basic story outline, so we'll see how it goes.

3. Clean. The apartment isn't exactly a mess, but I'd like to clean something every day I have off. That way, the apartment stays clean and I get back in the habit of cleaning. It's funny how many habits I've lost over the past year - too busy having a social life. *smile*

4. Explore. There is a lot of this area that I don't know and this is a great time of year to explore it. The leaves are beginning to change colors and everything is beautiful. I'd like to drive around, go on some hikes I've heard about, try different restaurants, and see all there is to see.

5. Read. Let's be honest...this is what I'm really looking forward to doing the most. I love reading. I have a long list of books people have recommended to me and am excited to finally have time to start reading them. However, reading can be even more addicting than television, so if I start spending all my time reading, I'll have to start limiting my reading time. So, I'll be judicious...as much as I can be. *grin*

6. Wii. Though using the tv, this isn't the same as watching tv, since I'll be up and moving around. Steve and I love to play tennis and bowling on the Wii and I always beat him. Always. However, he started practicing and is getting a lot better. He's almost better at tennis than me (he kicks my butt in real life) and he finally is figuring out his throw in bowling, so I have got to step up my game. This will probably be the least-chosen activity, but it's definitely something to turn to when I need a little something different.

I'll still watch TV in the evenings with Steve, if that's what we decide to do, but we have so much fun doing other things, that I'm not worried about us spending all our time together in front of the tube.

Mostly, I want to live life, not watch fake people on tv live theirs. So that's what I'm going to do!

Working for a Living

I am now gainfully employed again, after exactly one month without a job. I'm going to be honest, I had a few mental breakdowns about being unemployed. It had been sooooo long since I hadn't had a job, that it was a little hard to not be earning money. That said, it was kind of nice to have a break. I was pretty lazy, when not applying for every job I could find, and even at places that weren't even hiring. I slept in, watched a lot of tv, ate too much (gained only a couple pounds, thankfully not more), and spent lots of time with Steve. Like I said, the break was kind of nice.

That said, I'm glad it's over. I feel better having a job; more useful, more productive, more like myself. I don't like not having a job. Especially since I have bills to pay.

The job I accepted isn't much. It's only part-time and so doesn't pay a lot, but it's a job. It's at a chiropractic office that is open Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays 9am to 6pm. I like that I don't have to be at the office at 8am, especially since I have to leave 20 minutes early to get to work. So, now I leave home just before 8:30am, 30 minutes after I used to have to be at work! I don't love staying til 6pm (usually we don't leave until 15-20 minutes after 6pm), but since it's only 3 days a week, it's not too bad. I have lots of ideas about what I'll do the rest of the time, but I'll save that for another time.

There are two doctors; I work for just one of them. The other doctor has 2 office workers, my doctor has 5 - me, an office manager, and 3 chiro assistants. One of the assistants started on the 1st of October, too. It's kind of nice to have someone there who doesn't know what they're doing, too. I really like everyone that works there, especially 2 of the assistants; the new gal and her best friend who told her about the job opening. They're 21-ish and kind of silly, but I like them. My boss, Dr. D, is cool enough. I don't see a lot of him, which is very unlike the last medical professional for whom I worked, and actually makes me miss Eric. He is pretty busy seeing patients and when he isn't, he sits in his office. I stay up front completely. It's a fairly easy job, nothing too challenging, but I enjoy it. I like interacting with the patients. In fact, it's nice being in a medical office again, although I really really loved working at the university and miss it a lot.

Well, that's the scoop. Now that I have a job, I feel even better about being up here. I miss Cedar, my family, my friends, but I'm glad to be here. I love Steve with all my heart, and I love being able to see him every day. It's fun to be having new experiences and meeting new people. I am enjoying exploring the area, too. The drive to and from work is surprisingly beautiful with lots of trees with leaves now changing colors. In short, I'm happy.