Wednesday, March 26, 2008

First Fight

In case you caught it, no, I didn't intentionally follow the alliteration pattern from before, it's just a happy coincidence.

Anthony and I just had our first "fight". It's a big milestone for me because I actually expressed my feelings fairly quickly instead of hiding them and trying to forget them. Here's what happened:

Today I left for a business trip (yes, another business trip!!! AND I have another one next week!) and will be gone 'til Sunday evening, so Anthony wanted to get together last night (Tuesday) so he could see me before I left. Sweet, right? I asked him what time and he said 6pm. He tends to be a little late, so I didn't really start to get upset 'til 6:30. At 7 I text'd him and asked him what was happening. He said he'd be there in a little bit. He finally arrived at 7:50!!

Well, if you know anything about me at all, you know that I'm a very punctual person; I HATE being late and I HATE it when people are late picking me up. Most of the time I try to understand that other people don't have the same obsession as me, so I really tried hard not to be mad but I was. Two hours late is pretty rude, don't you agree?

When he finally arrived, I tried really hard not to harbor bitter feelings, but I was not happy and had a hard time enjoying the evening. I was annoyed by a lot of things, but the final straw was when he took me home. We usually talk in the car for awhile, then he walks me to my door, we hug, kiss, and say good night. Well, last night, we talked for a little bit, but he was tired and I was trying not to still be in a bad mood, so we didn't have a lot to say. Then he gives me a hug and kiss inside the car and says good night! It took me a few moments to process that he wasn't getting out of the car. I didn't know what to say, but I was hurt.

When I got inside I felt like crying because I was so mad/hurt. I remembered something my dad had said when I spoke to him on Sunday. I had mentioned that sometimes Anthony seems bossy because he doesn't ask me to do things, he tells me. A lot of that is his communication limitations, but a bit is due to his upbringing. Dad told me I should talk to Anthony about it since it bugs me because how will Anthony ever know that it bugs me if I don't tell him? And, if he doesn't know, how can he choose to change, if he wants? So, I decided to put Dad's advice into practice. I texted Anthony and asked why he didn't walk me to the door. I chose that subject because it had just happened, as opposed to him being late which had happened hours earlier. He wrote back, "What do you mean?" At that point I was finished. I didn't respond.

I stewed about it all day. I was mad, but I'm not very good at vocalizing when I'm mad. I'm always afraid that people won't like me if I'm ever not in a good mood, but that's a whole 'nother post. Tonight, I got to my hotel and decided to text him. I asked how he was doing and he said he was confused because of my text. We texted back and forth a bit, but it was hard to communicate what we wanted to say, so we switched to IM'ing. That was tons easier. We discussed everything that had upset me, and he apologized. He felt really bad. He said he knew I was mad at him after I didn't respond to his text, so he worried all day. I apologized for making him worry and explained that I'm really bad at saying when I'm mad, and explained why. In the end, we worked things out, and I feel good about it. It was good to discover that he still likes me, even though I got mad at him. And hopefully I'll be able to be more open with him in the future and not wait 'til we've both had rotten days before talking about it.

Sigh. I still think being single is easier than being in a relationship; however, it's not nearly as satisfying. And, I really enjoy getting that little thrill when he tells me he loves me, even when it's in writing. It makes up for all the complexities of a relationship. *Grin*


tearese said...

I agree sometimes its easier to be single!
I would have been angry about the late thing too, it would make me feel like he took me for granted, and I'd be afraid it was an indication of things to come.
The not getting out of the car was a little much, especially on the same day. I don't think you were off base.
And yeah, I would definitely make my feelings known about the bossiness thing, because again, thats something that might be magnified once he was more comfortable with you, and he should know its not okay.

Cardine said...

I think it's really good that he cared enough to talk to you about it. I think that is a valuable personality trait: being willing to talk about something that bothers people about you and caring enough to at least listen. And then the communication about it is so great!

I also think that it's good for relationships to progress and for you to get more comfortable with each other. It allows you to see what behavior, if any, is just for the beginning of relationships. You learn about their character more than just their dating actions. I imagine that it's easier to adjust to getting over the twitterpation phase before marriage than afterward.

James & Melissa's Family said...

Let me just say that it does get somewhat easier with the arguments when you are married. But it is a learning process and growing process to agrue. You learn things and try to change and be a better person afterwards. You guys will work through things fine if you both are willing to talk things out and communicate. Hope you are having a fun trip!

Mellissa Hunt said...

I completely agree about the punctuality thing. When someone else is late, and doesn't call to let you know why, it shows they don't respect my time. I couldn't live with someone who was late all the time. I would go mad. So good move on making your feelings known.

Melissa was right when she said it gets easier to argue when you really know someone. Instead of fighting, you argue and their are good points and perspective on both sides, instead of just anger and annoyance.

I hope all of traffic is looking out for you and your truck. Have fun! (I hope all the driving digs are not taken seriously!)

julie said...

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

Tearese, everything that you mentioned went through my head, too. I have hope that things will improve now that he knows. If not, then I'll deal with it.

Cardine, I agree, it meant a lot to me that he was willing to talk about it. In fact, he was very cool about it and didn't get defensive at all. I really appreciated it.

Melissa, thanks, I am having a fun trip. I'm still new enough at this that I get a little tense, I want to make sure everything goes well. So far, it's gone well and the woman who came to oversee me has been very complimentary.

Missy, I don't take the driving digs seriously. Mostly because they are kind of accurate! No, the truck is a piece of cake to drive now - hard to park, but easy to drive. It'll be another story towing the 40-ft trailer!

Indy said...

Great Post. I understand what it feels like to be worried about communicating unhappy emotions or thoughts to others. I am glad that you challenged yourself and that it was a good experience.

Indy said...

Oh, I hate people being late too. It makes me feel that my time isn't important to them.

julie said...

So, Anthony and I talked again last night and he apologized again, profusely. He was worried all day on Wednesday that I was going to break up with him. I should have said that the next time he stands me up for two hours without a good reason I will, but he was so sorrowful, that I didn't have the heart to say it. Anyway, it was good to discuss it face to face, even though we had resolved it sufficiently through IM. All is good.