Wednesday, March 26, 2008

First Fight

In case you caught it, no, I didn't intentionally follow the alliteration pattern from before, it's just a happy coincidence.

Anthony and I just had our first "fight". It's a big milestone for me because I actually expressed my feelings fairly quickly instead of hiding them and trying to forget them. Here's what happened:

Today I left for a business trip (yes, another business trip!!! AND I have another one next week!) and will be gone 'til Sunday evening, so Anthony wanted to get together last night (Tuesday) so he could see me before I left. Sweet, right? I asked him what time and he said 6pm. He tends to be a little late, so I didn't really start to get upset 'til 6:30. At 7 I text'd him and asked him what was happening. He said he'd be there in a little bit. He finally arrived at 7:50!!

Well, if you know anything about me at all, you know that I'm a very punctual person; I HATE being late and I HATE it when people are late picking me up. Most of the time I try to understand that other people don't have the same obsession as me, so I really tried hard not to be mad but I was. Two hours late is pretty rude, don't you agree?

When he finally arrived, I tried really hard not to harbor bitter feelings, but I was not happy and had a hard time enjoying the evening. I was annoyed by a lot of things, but the final straw was when he took me home. We usually talk in the car for awhile, then he walks me to my door, we hug, kiss, and say good night. Well, last night, we talked for a little bit, but he was tired and I was trying not to still be in a bad mood, so we didn't have a lot to say. Then he gives me a hug and kiss inside the car and says good night! It took me a few moments to process that he wasn't getting out of the car. I didn't know what to say, but I was hurt.

When I got inside I felt like crying because I was so mad/hurt. I remembered something my dad had said when I spoke to him on Sunday. I had mentioned that sometimes Anthony seems bossy because he doesn't ask me to do things, he tells me. A lot of that is his communication limitations, but a bit is due to his upbringing. Dad told me I should talk to Anthony about it since it bugs me because how will Anthony ever know that it bugs me if I don't tell him? And, if he doesn't know, how can he choose to change, if he wants? So, I decided to put Dad's advice into practice. I texted Anthony and asked why he didn't walk me to the door. I chose that subject because it had just happened, as opposed to him being late which had happened hours earlier. He wrote back, "What do you mean?" At that point I was finished. I didn't respond.

I stewed about it all day. I was mad, but I'm not very good at vocalizing when I'm mad. I'm always afraid that people won't like me if I'm ever not in a good mood, but that's a whole 'nother post. Tonight, I got to my hotel and decided to text him. I asked how he was doing and he said he was confused because of my text. We texted back and forth a bit, but it was hard to communicate what we wanted to say, so we switched to IM'ing. That was tons easier. We discussed everything that had upset me, and he apologized. He felt really bad. He said he knew I was mad at him after I didn't respond to his text, so he worried all day. I apologized for making him worry and explained that I'm really bad at saying when I'm mad, and explained why. In the end, we worked things out, and I feel good about it. It was good to discover that he still likes me, even though I got mad at him. And hopefully I'll be able to be more open with him in the future and not wait 'til we've both had rotten days before talking about it.

Sigh. I still think being single is easier than being in a relationship; however, it's not nearly as satisfying. And, I really enjoy getting that little thrill when he tells me he loves me, even when it's in writing. It makes up for all the complexities of a relationship. *Grin*

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Comment About No Comments

First of all, let me thank all of you who comment on my blog. I really, really enjoy hearing what you have to say about what I write. Thank you!

A few people have emailed me about not being able to comment on my last post. They have asked if I chose to not allow comments because I don't want anyone to mention what I had written.

The answer is no. The reason I chose to not allow comments is sometimes I'm a coward. For some reason, it is easier for me to post really sensitive things if I disable the comments. Maybe it gives me a sense of privacy, even though anyone in the whole world could read what I've written. I don't mind people emailing me or calling me about what I have written because I don't mind talking about what I write. So, if comments have been disabled, and if you feel like taking the extra step, you are always welcome to email or call me.

I realize this may not make a lot sense, but I thought I'd try to explain anyway. :)

Monday, March 24, 2008

Fear, Family, Forgiveness, and Falling

I like alliteration. Forgive me.

Last week, I decided to break up with Anthony. He didn't even do anything wrong; I was afraid.

Afraid to get hurt again. It hurt like a mug when Adam and I broke up, and that event happened recent enough that I remember the pain all too well. I don't want to feel that pain again. And, I'm very aware that the odds are things aren't going to work out with Anthony.

Without going into too much detail, I'll explain that last sentance. Anthony wants to marry me. This year. He said it a few weeks ago, casually, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I made him back up and repeat it to make sure I'd heard correctly. He wasn't proposing, don't get ahead of yourselves, he was just saying what he thinks - that we're getting married sometime this year. The problem is, he's not currently able to get married in the temple, and it's a non-negotiable for me. He says he wants to, eventually, but he's willing to get married out of the temple first and be sealed later. I'm not willing to do that. See the potential heart-wrenching problem?

I'm afraid to trust. Many of you know why. I have a hard time trusting that when a man says he loves me, he means it and isn't just saying it to get something from me. It's difficult for me not to hide behind a protective facade because I don't trust that a man will still love me after he sees my weakness and faults. I'm afraid to surrender my independence, my vulnerability, my heart because I can't trust that they'll be taken care of by the man to whom I'm giving them.

So, I decided to break up with Anthony last week to spare myself the pain of potential future heartbreak. I didn't break up with him, of course. Thankfully.

Holidays are always filled with my family. Kevin came down and was able to have his son for a few hours Saturday. I didn't get to spend much time with either of them, but that's later in the story. Friday evening, Anthony and I went out to my brother's house and dyed eggs with his wife and kids. I love dying eggs! I love it more now than I did as a kid, and I really enjoyed it then! Anthony doesn't like dying eggs, but suffered through it with a willingness that endeared him to me even more. He even wrote on an egg "Anthony loves Julie" and dyed it green. Aaaahhhh. He played with the kids and helped them with their eggs. What a guy! Afterward, we played frisbee golf before going to my apartment to watch Princess Bride. I snuggled up to him and promptly fell asleep. He didn't wake me 'til the credits and then told me I looked pretty while sleeping.

Saturday, I went grocery shopping earlier than I wanted to be awake because I had so much to do. I started to clean but was informed that my family was eating earlier than planned because Anthony's family had invited me to their Easter dinner at 4pm AND because my other brother, Jason, was spending the evening with his in-laws. I hurried over and hung out with everyone for awhile. Anthony came over after 2pm and had to suffer through another bout of eggs - Mom wanted to dye eggs with Scott - before we left for his mom's house. His family is very nice to me. His ornery ole grandpa told him to hold on to me because I made a good jello salad and helped clean up after dinner. His family is different from mine in some ways; not Mormon, not game players, and practically kid-less, but similar to mine in some ways, too; loud, funny, sociable, joking. After awhile, Anthony suggested we go play games with my family (he's hooked on playing games now - Yay!), so we did. We played 'til the wee hours of the night, then talked inside his car in front of my apartment for awhile longer.

Sunday, I actually woke up and made it to church, though just sacrament meeting. I left church and immediately went out to Corey's and played games for a few hours. His wife gave me eggs for myself and Anthony, so I took him his eggs and stayed for an hour before heading to my dad's. I was there a lot longer than I'd planned on, but it was a really good evening. We talked a lot and played a game with my sister. I left there around 10pm with a gallon of milk that my dad asked me to give to anyone who would use it. He had too much milk. It was the % Anthony liked, so I took it to him and stayed another hour talking to him. All in all, a good day. My only regret was not making it to Mom's house like I had planned.

That chat with my dad went a long way towards starting to clear up the issues I have with my dad. For the first time ever, he spoke to me about the things he had done in the past, and apologized for the messes it causes me still to this day. When I told him about my trust issues, he asked if it was because of him. It hurt me to say yes, but I told him the truth, that most of my issues, though not all, stem from him leaving. It was painful for both of us, but I felt like some old, festering wounds were finally being cleansed. Maybe now they'll be able to heal properly.

I really opened up to my dad and told him about my doubts and fears with Anthony. I trusted him. It was a big leap, but I think it paid off. He was able to give me advice that only a father could give. A father that has erred and come back. A father that may actually love me after all. It gives me hope. And, it strengthened the trust I have in my Father, who gave me the idea to go see my dad in the first place.

This is the hardest one to write; surprisingly, considering the work it took me to get that last section out. This section is the reason I decided to break up with Anthony last week, and the main reason I'm not allowing comments.

I'm falling in love with Anthony.

Heaven help me. Please.

Friday, March 21, 2008

H-A-P-P-Y E-A-S-T-E-R!!!!
Or, as they say in french...
(please excuse the lack of an accent in paques)
Or as they say in sign language...
Wait...I don't know how to say it in sign language.
Even if I did, how does one "sign" on a blog.
Anyway, I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Last night, I felt blue. Not dark blue, just a light-ish medium blue.

Anthony had irritated me the night before. I'm sure he didn't even realize it, but he did. Irritate me, I mean. Something else has been irritating me, just under the surface, and he made it a little bit worse.

So, when I got home from work last night, I ate dinner and went for a nice, long walk. I walked passed the soccer fields, where I saw and chatted with Sarah's sister, then wandered aimlessly around the cemetary for awhile. It's a favorite walk of mine and did a lot to improve my mood, but I was still a little down.

On the way home, I had a brilliant idea; I would go to a movie all by myself - something I haven't done in awhile. I had read a review for Penelope, a movie I had never heard of previously, and it looked interesting, so I checked the local theaters and found it was playing at 9:20pm. I quickly washed my dishes, tidied up my apartment a bit, and changed into going-out clothes before heading to the theater.

I loved this movie. It's a modern-day fairy tale about a very wealthy man many, many years ago who caused a curse to fall upon the first daughter born into his family. If it was a man who caused the curse, why not curse a male, but whatever. The first girl born into the family would have a pig's face, and the curse could only be broken when someone of "their own kind" loved her, pig face and all. Several generations pass with only sons being born until the time the story starts. Penelope has a pig's snout for a nose and pig's ears that you can't really see because of her hair. In fact, she's absolutely beautiful, even with the snout, but every eligible, blue-blooded man that her mom tries to get to marry her ends up running out of the house, sometimes out the window, when they see her. Christina Ricci plays Penelope, and I never realized how pretty she is. I won't tell you the rest because I don't want to spoil it for you, and because this is almost enough for what I want to say in this post.

A little while ago, I mentioned to a friend that sometimes I feel like I'm not equal to Anthony in the looks department. I think he's so attractive and I don't think I am at all. (I also mentioned that I don't think about it too often because now I think about Anthony's other qualities more than his looks.) This friend very, very kindly disagreed with me and said Anthony and I are on the same level looks-wise. It was mentioned that although I have "one physical flaw", my personality, smile, eyes, and hair are quite nice. I appreciated these compliments a lot, I really did. I value this person's opinion, and I know that the comments wouldn't have been made if they weren't deemed to be accurate.

So, why do I focus on the "one physical flaw" part so much? It's not that I don't know about this flaw. It's pretty obvious. And, I've been trying, kind of, to reduce this flaw as much as possible, so it's not like this is the first time I realized I have this flaw. I wasn't offended by the phrase, really I wasn't, it's just that I centered in on it, a lot more so than the nice things said. That's what's been bugging me.

I've been overweight my entire life. Even when I really wasn't, I felt like I was. I hit puberty early, so in elementary and middle school I was taller than pretty much everyone in my class. I also felt fatter than everyone else. It kind of grew into a self-fullfilling prophesy and I became what I always thought I was. Fortunately, I was really active in high school, so it didn't get too bad. What killed me was going away to college, learning bad eating habits but not gaining weight because I walked everywhere, then coming home to prepare for a mission and driving everywhere but eating the same. I put on a lot of weight those 5 months. When I came home, the same thing happened. I think sometimes about what I'd give to be able to redo those months. Pointless, I guess, but I think about it anyway.

Like Penelope, my one physical flaw has been with me a long time. I'm sure a lot of guys metaphorically jump out the window when they see me. It hurt her a lot to see that over and over again, and I'm grateful that it's just metaphorically in my case! Anyway, it's the excuse I've given myself for all the times a guy hasn't asked me out, or not asked me out a second time, or broken up with me, etc. If I were only thin, then...

I never really realized what a disservice I'm doing to myself until my friend's comments and this movie. Everyone has flaws, it's a fact of life. If I weren't overweight, I'm sure I'd worry about something else - maybe my breasts would be too small, my freckles too prominent, my behind too flat, or my nose too crooked. Who knows! Whatever it would be, I'd focus on it to the exclusion of all the positives about my looks, just like I do now about my weight. And, it's not just in the looks department that people do this; most of us tend to focus on the negatives about ourselves in every aspect. We find it easier to accept than the positive, for some reason.

So, what to do now that I know? GI Joe used to say that knowing is half the battle - what about the other half?? As I thought about it last night, instead of sleeping, I remembered the words some sister said at general conference a few years ago (sorry, but I'm not going to take the time to look it up; besides most of you will know who it is without me telling you - you're that awesome!). She said, and I paraphrase, Do what you can to look your best in the morning, then walk out the door, forget about yourself, and serve others. I have always loved this advice because it doesn't say you shouldn't try to be attractive; instead, do what you can with what you have and then go about your life trying to be a good person. It doesn't say I shouldn't try to lose weight - cuz I need to lose weight; physical asthetics aside, I need to be healthier! - but it gives the antedote for becoming too self-absorbed as I try to lose weight: service.

I'm thankful for my friend's comments - all of them - and for this movie about a beautiful girl with one physical flaw that seemed to overshadow everything else; they both helped me to see something I hadn't before that I really needed to see. So, while I will always be flawed, in some way or other, I can still be fabulous - in many ways!

Monday, March 10, 2008

What...Did I Even Make Goals??

I was tempted to not post an update about my goals at this time. It's not like I have to or anything, but it serves as a good benchmark, so I'm doing it. Just please don't think me too big a slacker. Okay, you can...just don't tell me you think I'm a slacker.

Sign Language. This is the goal that has progressed the furthest. It helps that my boyfriend is fluent and teaches me a lot. It also helps that he's kind of a task master and gives me the "look of shame" whenever I can't remember a sign that he taught me. Once. Two years ago. Seriously. No, not really seriously. He likes to give me a hard time and I like to give him a hard time back. We joke all the time and laugh so much when we're together! On Saturday, he told me I'm beautiful when I laugh. This last weekend he told me so many times that he thinks I'm pretty. It was great! Wait...has this turned into another Anthony post? Sorry! Anyhoo, my sign language class ends next Tuesday, but I may have to miss the last two classes because of work. The advanced class starts in the Fall, and I'm planning on taking it. 'Til then, the task master will surely drill me daily and keep my sign language skills in shape. :)

Guitar. I had to give up on this goal, unfortunately. My life is too full right now. I'm one million times busier than I've ever been in my whole entire life - including the last year of college when I thought I was going to explode. Something had to give - I couldn't quit my job (the big contributor to my busy schedule), I didn't want to go without seeing family and friends for an indefinite time period, and I have a boyfriend that wants to enjoy my company on a regular basis (and I want to enjoy his, just to keep the record straight). So, guitar was the easiest thing to drop. I still have it and someday I plan on continuing my lessons. I just don't know when.

Shakespear. Don't ask me how many plays I've read this year because I can't count them. Seriously, I can't count them because there haven't been any! When do I have time to read?? Actually, I did read a couple books a few weeks ago, but that was when I went to Portland and had hours-long layovers and reading was the best way to pass the time. So, I'm resetting this goal; instead of reading the complete works of Shakespear, I'm going to try to read 10. I almost said 5, but I'm holding that number as an option for a later date if 10 doesn't seem like it'll be met. I can do that. It's my goal.

Lose 20 lbs. A few weeks ago, I officially was back at my starting weight from last February, before I lost 26 lbs. The last couple weeks, I've lost 4 pounds, but don't ask me how I did it. This past week I lost a pound and that was after eating out 3 times on my own and 2 times with Anthony. I haven't exercised in a century or so. Also, Anthony loves ice cream and is always bringing me my favorite blizzard - banana oreo - although I think I've finally convinced him that too much of a good thing (ice cream) makes this good thing (me) become too much. That, and it causes digestion issues. 'Nuff said. However, good things are on the horizon. I've been looking forward to Daylight Savings, despite the loss of an hour of precious sleep, because it means there will be daylight a little longer, and the chances of going for a walk after dinner are now a whole heap load better. I can't wait to go for a walk today! Although, I might not because I might have strep throat. I'm going to the InstaCare after work; if they say I'm fine, I'm going walking!

Sabbath Day. I was doing really well with this one until yesterday. Anthony spent the morning at the hospital waiting for his sister to give birth to a baby girl (I got to see her and she's darling!), and around 1pm he showed up at me door (unexpectedly) and took me out to lunch. That's not all; I hadn't been able to find the books I wanted to buy for my brother's birthday, and since we were in the neighborhood of the used bookstore, which I hadn't checked yet, Anthony and I walked to it to see if they had the books. The store was closed, but I had had the intent to buy had they been open. Sigh. I still feel like I'm making improvement in this area, despite this setback, and have hope to get back on track immediately.

I've got to say that my life is filled to the brim with such amazingly great things right now. Work couldn't be going better; I'm getting new industrial contracts without even trying, am working hard to get ready for the contracts I already have, and last week I passed the written CDL test! Also, I was asked to be the Treasurer of Women In Business and will sit on the Board of Directors for the organization. This is the first Board that WIB has had and the president said she hand-picked all of us. She said she picked me because I have such a warm, friendly personality and, as Treasurer, one of my duties is to take money at the luncheons and to greet people. I feel very honored and am excited to be more involved in WIB and the community. My social life is fabulous. I have wonderful friends that I don't get to see nearly enough so I really value the time we spend together. Lately, I've been able to spend a lot of time with my family. In fact, my dad and Paula were recently sealed in the temple, so I spent much of last weekend with him. It was kind of trippy to watch them be sealed, but I'm really very happy for them. My family has also spent the past few weekends playing games at my mom's house for various reasons, and it has been good to spend so much time with them. And, of course, there's Anthony, but I've talked enough about him already. :)

In short (hahahaha), life is good. Not perfect, but then what fun would that be?? I'm happy and am very thankful for this wonderful time in the sun.