Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Next Big Adventure - 2

To be completely forthright, this post will not detail what I’ve been doing lately to get ready to move.

I haven’t done anything.

Seriously. Remember how I said last time that I was going to work on resumés? I didn’t. I haven’t even taken the time to ponder places I’d like to live. I’ve done nothing.

Nope, this post is devoted to my boss. That man is bound and determined to make it extremely difficult for me to leave. Darn him!

Last week we painted our lobby and front office. When my coworker left at 2pm on Friday (she leaves at that time every day), my boss decided it was the perfect time to discuss my “fate”, as he put it. I couldn’t escape it, but I certainly dragged my feet. To be fair, he’s been really concerned about me lately. He’s a good friend, almost like a brother. He wanted to discuss why I’d been unhappy for so long. He wanted to talk about my feelings, my goals, my dreams, my hopes, etc. I know, how totally un-stereotypical of a man! He’s good at having deep conversations. We’ve had a lot of them while I’ve worked for him. He told me his wife had chewed him out a bit because he had never taken the time to ask me why I want to move away. So, he asked.

I gave him a few of my reasons; adventures, new experiences, new places, new people, growth, see the world, make a difference, having no regrets. For each reason I gave, he tried to come up with a way for me to accomplish them while staying here. Sigh. He actually came up with some good ideas, but a) I seriously wonder if he’d ever implement them (like going to 3rd world countries and fitting the less-fortunate with hearing aids) and b) I’m not asking him to help me accomplish my goals and dreams. Again, he has good intentions, but having him say that’s he willing to do almost anything to get me to stay really makes it hard to leave.

Today, he admitted that he’s hoping that things work out with Aaron so I’ll stay. It’s the main reason he’s setting us up. Of course, he added, he wants me to be happy, but that’s secondary to getting me to stay.

See what I’m dealing with???

Don’t get me wrong; I’m tickled pink that he thinks so highly of me as a person, as a friend, as an employee, and as a potential partner (his idea, not mine). Though it’d make leaving easier, I certainly don’t want him to think good riddance! when I leave. I’m just asking for a little middle ground.

The problem is, it’s going to be hard to leave even without his pestering. I have a good life here; a good job, good friends, a good family, a good apartment, a good thesaurus; I’m content. As I get older, I find that it’s harder to leave, to dare to take those adventures, to pursue my dreams. That makes me want to leave even more because I don’t want to stay here because it’s easier to stay. I’d only want to stay if it’s the right thing for me to do. And I’m not sure it is.

And, I’m never going to move if I don’t get cracking on those resumés!! Sigh.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Last night, my dad called me, totally out of the blue. He never calls me! He wanted to check how I’m doing since the break-up with Adam. Sweet, eh? And, very uncharacteristic of my dad. I am glad to say that I was able to tell him that I’m doing well. Of course, I’m not totally over it (it’s too soon), but I’m over the worst part. Yeah for me! Dad was a good listener and at the end of the call he quoted that oft-quoted phrase, “When God shuts a door, he opens a window”. I got thinking about it and realized that there actually are a few windows in my life. Let me tell you about them - just keep in mind that things with each “window” are at the very earliest beginning stages. In fact, I probably shouldn’t mention any of these guys unless something substantial develops with them, but I’m going to anyway. Because I can.

Lincoln: His sister is one of our FedEx drivers. She came in the day after Adam and I broke up and noticed that I wasn’t very happy. When I told her why, she wanted to set me up with her brother, Lincoln. I ended up giving her my phone number and she gave it to him; he’s called several times in the past couple weeks. He lives in Las Vegas and works in construction. He likes to hunt and fish and owns his own home. He doesn’t like to read. I’m not sure if he’s LDS. He seems like a sincerely nice guy. That said, I’m not feeling anything. Mom says it’s too soon after Adam and that I’m comparing talking to Lincoln with talking to Adam. And, there’s really no comparison; talking to Adam was better. On Mom’s advice, I’m trying not to be too quick to judge him and his potential, but I’m really not feeling anything.

Aaron: My boss has wanted to set me up with Aaron since April, but I didn’t want to for two reasons – 1) Adam and 2) I don’t really like blind dates. However, my last blind date was actually quite fun and I’m really open to possibilities right now, so I said okay. Aaron is a co-founder of Infowest, a local internet provider, and lives about 30 miles away. My boss says he’s really shy and backwards when it comes to women. Great. Good thing I’m talkative and outgoing. Supposedly, we’re going out (on a triple date!) this weekend, but my boss hasn’t given me definite details yet.

Adam: No, not that Adam, a different Adam. I met him last weekend at my friend Celeste’s house. He’s only here for this school year, getting a Master’s in Communication, and then he’ll return to BYU Idaho where he’s been teaching for two years. He seems like a very smart guy, generally cheerful and easy-going, and Celeste said it seemed like he liked me. We did flirt a little, lightly. However, I really doubt anything will come of it. I honestly just included him in this list because his name starts with A, as did the names of my former guy, the last guy, AND the next guy… (I like patterns)

Anthony: Yes, my ex work crush. Two weeks ago, I tested all the employees at his work and, of course, saw him. We talked a bit and he told everyone in the place that he knows me. I know this because almost all of them said to me, “So, you know Anthony?” with a knowing look on their faces. One guy even added, “He’s a really great guy, you know.” Before you accuse me of reading too much into this, let me add that the safety coordinator started the day off with telling me that Anthony has a crush on me. Startled, I asked why she thinks this. She said he spent 30 minutes telling her how great I am and all the reasons why I’m great. Then last Friday he texted me and asked how I was doing and if I had any plans for that night. I did. So, he asked if I had plans for Saturday night. I did. Then I asked him over to my house to watch a movie on Sunday (don’t be disappointed in me, Cardine, I told you I’m weak when it comes to him!). He couldn’t. Sigh. Haven’t heard from him since. Who knows what will happen – if anything.

The chances that things with any of these guys will progress are slim to none, but it is nice to have windows to distract me. We’ll see if any of them actually get opened.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Middle Name Meme

Booklogged tagged me for this meme. I rarely do memes, but I thought, What the heck! and now I’m a memer. Here are the rules:

Post these rules before you give the facts. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.) When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post and then choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't' forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

My middle name is Beth. I know my mom once told me why she chose this as my middle name, but I can’t remember now (they always say the memory is the first to go). I like it, whatever the reason, even though it only gets used when my mom is mad at or exasperated with me and as a middle initial when I sign my name.

B – Balanced. At least, I work on being balanced. Many years ago, I struggled with the concept of being content with my life while striving to accomplish my dreams. I realized then, and many times since then, that life requires a certain amount of balance in order to find happiness. For example, too much sleep = sluggish, too little sleep = ornery, just enough = happy and productive. I continually try to realign aspects of my life to ensure that I’m maintaining a healthy balance. Maybe it’s the economist in me – economics deals a lot with equilibriums. True equilibrium is never actually reached, but forces are constantly changing so the economy moves towards the ideal. Yes, that’s my life. I’m sure I’m never perfectly balanced, but I’m trying to be.

E – Early. I would rather be early than on-time. Being late is unacceptable. Sometimes I realize that I take this to a bit of an extreme (see above paragraph), so I try to relax a little. That said, I really don’t like being late, so I tend to be early. Sometimes really early. For example, I like showing up at the movie theater a good 20 minutes early, at least.

T – Talkative. I learned a few years ago that one of the main ways I bond with people is through talking. I can also talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime, about anything. Of course, a lot of this is contingent on the other person being somewhat responsive. I find that the amount I’m willing to share with someone is directly proportionate (with a lag) to what they are willing to share with me.

H – Happy. Generally speaking, I’m a naturally happy person. Of course, there are times when I’m sad, but I tend to bounce back from those times rather quickly and easily. It’s just easier for me to be cheerful and happy than otherwise. I smile a lot and I love to laugh.

I tag Alyson, Cardine, and Cassie

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Next Big Adventure - Part 1

I'm moving.

Not any time in the very soon future, but I am moving.

Probably in January.

I've decided to make The Next Big Adventure a series of posts, so you'll get to follow the progress of my move, inch by inch (figuratively speaking). Lucky you!

Tonight I'm working on resumes. I'm going to have a resume that focuses on my audiology experience and skills, another that highlights my economics background, and another resume that is for basic business jobs.

I'm also going to ponder where I would want to move. Portland, OR is still the front-runner, and I'll be doing most of my job hunting around that area, but why limit myself? Really, at this point I just want to go somewhere!!!

Not that it won't be hard to leave. This past weekend I had a sleepover with Porter and Brooke. Before he fell asleep, Porter asked me why I want to move away. He was staring up at me with puppy dog eyes and I wanted to just hug him and say I'd never leave. Instead, I told him that I need an adventure. He asked if I was just going to go for a little while then come back. I said probably not, that I'd live there like I live here now. Then he shot the fatal arrow, Won't you miss me, though. Deep sigh from me. Did my boss put you up to this?

I wouldn't put it past him.

Stay tuned...

Monday, September 10, 2007

Rainy Days and Mondays...

...always get me down.

Then there days like today, Monday AND rainy. It's hard not to feel a little blue.

It doesn't help that Adam and I broke up last night.

I'm okay, really.

I'm sad, of course. Very, very sad. But relieved, too. I've been so unhappy; it was time to end our relationship. Yes, we maybe could have worked things out, but as I thought more about it last night, I realized that it would have probably only been a temporary fix and we'd end up back in this spot at a later date. Fortunately, I feel like we ended things mutually and amicably.

That's why I'm sad. Adam became one of my best and closest friends. Whenever something happened in my life, I immediately thought about telling him. I trusted him enough to truly be myself, even my sometimes unpleasant self. He made me laugh when I was feeling blue and understood me when I needed to feel understood. He's a good man and I'll always love him.

Cardine asked me if I regretted giving a relationship with Adam a second chance. No, I don't. Not at all. He still ended up not being the man for me, but it was worth figuring that out again. There are several reasons we aren't compatible, but they aren't important now. Here are the reasons I'm glad Adam and I gave it a go a second time:

1. I never believed I could love a man. I learned that I can. Good to know. Very good.

2. I also never believed that I could trust a man. Don't get me wrong, I know very many wonderful men that I believe to be very trustworthy. I just never thought I could trust a man to be honest with me, to not cheat on me, to mean it when he said nice things to me, to really love me. I trusted Adam. And, he still hasn't given me a reason to not trust him.

3. At one point in our relationship, I actually could picture spending the rest of my life with him. This is MONUMENTAL!! Marriage has never been something I could see happening for me. I was no longer violently opposed to the idea of getting married, but I wasn't actually wanting it. I liked being single. Now, I realize that being in a relationship is kind of nice and someday, when the timing and man are right, I can see myself being in an eternal relationship.

4. Practice. I realized lately that I've spent 11 of the last 12 years being not in a relationship (juliespeak for "being single"). No wonder I'm better at being single than being with someone! So, this was good practice. Not that I thought of it as practice at the time, I was really committed to the relationship. However, now that it's over, I can see what I did that was good and what I did that wasn't so good. Hmmm. This isn't coming out right. Adam, if you ever read this, I hope you know what I mean. You probably do. You always did.

5. Firefly and Good Omens. He introduced me to the enjoyable series Firefly and the absolutely delightful book Good Omens. In fact, he gave me the DVDs for the series AND the book! Isn't he nice?

6. Love and friendship. It's always nice when someone loves you and thinks you're special. And, it's nice to love someone else. I do believe that he really loved me and I certainly loved him. Like I mentioned earlier, we became very good friends and I'll cherish that friendship forever, even though we'll never be able to be such good friends again. That's the truly horrible part of ending a relationship. Understandable, but sad.

So, it's over, but it's been quite a ride. Ups and downs, twists and turns. I stuck with it to the end of the ride, and I'm proud of myself. And I had a lot of fun.

Adam, thank you. For everything.

Thursday, September 06, 2007


...a new member of my blogging family! He's also a member of my actual family!

Anyway, check out Jason's blog! (Even though he only has one real post - you can at least see what he looks like!)

Hello September! and Other Things

In my book, September 1st marks the end of summer and the beginning of fall. I realize it’s officially September 21st, but what do they know? Already I’ve noticed the days getting a little cooler and last night I actually got cold! It was heavenly.

A couple nights ago I went for a walk and ended up passing the ballpark. There were a couple games being played, so I stopped to watch one of them. I sat there basking in the glow of the lights, a cool breeze tickling my cheeks, and thoroughly enjoyed watching a bunch of men I don’t know run around the bases. They were actually quite good. Anyway, as I sat there I thought, Boy, I love this time of year.

I really love the in-between seasons (spring and fall), but I think I may like fall just thismuch more. Why?, you ask. Let me tell you.

Football. Really, that’s the main reason I like fall more than spring. Spring has some great qualities, but football season is over in the spring. Tonight is opening night, and the Colts are playing the Saints. I’m so excited! (I love Peyton Manning.)

Hmmm. Maybe when I go grocery shopping tonight I’ll buy some extra-favorite food stuff and throw myself a mini football-watching party! Good idea!

I like other things about this time of year, too. I like that I’m not back in school. I like when the leaves change colors. I love wearing sweaters and jackets. I love apple cider, fresh produce from other peoples’ gardens that they so kindly give me, soup, and hot chocolate. I like early snow that melts quickly. Two words: carving pumpkins! Yes, fall has many great offerings.

In unrelated news, I’m beginning to wonder if I broke my nose this weekend. Is there a way to tell without making a trip to the hospital/doctor? Does it even matter if I broke it or just hurt it? Will it not heal properly if left unattended? I hate going to the doctor, especially since I am without insurance, but I start to worry that if I don’t go something bad will happen, like my nose falling off. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac but with a healthy dose of loathing for doctors' offices and hospitals. So, I probably won’t do anything about it, unless you tell me I really, really should.

What? You want to know how I hurt my nose? Hmmm. I probably shouldn’t tell you, but I’m getting used to the humiliation involved when I tell people, so here goes:

I fell in the shower. Yes, face forward. I was shaving my legs, one of my legs was precariously resting on the back of the tub (so I could reach all the angles better), my alarm went off (that’s what I get for waking up before my alarm), I was startled, my other leg slipped, then the leg on the tub slipped, and I face-planted right into the back of the tub. My nose hit first, then my forehead. Can you imagine this? Never mind, please don’t try.

Anyway, I wondered for a moment if I was going to blackout, I didn’t. I stood up and checked to see if there was any blood. There wasn’t. My face throbbed with pain and I managed to stop myself from swearing. Adam was flying into town in a couple hours, and I figured I would have two black eyes, a swollen nose, and a big bump on my forehead - not exactly my best look. I started thinking up stories I could tell him to explain that didn't come anywhere close to the truth. Fortunately, I only had a little bump on my head, which my bangs effectively covered, and a little swelling at the top of my nose. I could have gotten away without telling anyone about my stupidity, but I’m too much of a baby and I always enjoy telling a good story.

The problem is it still hurts! Shouldn’t it stop hurting sometime soon? See, I told you I’m a baby.

In shower-related news, I’ve been taking cold ones the last few days. A few weeks ago, when I returned from my cruise, I realized that I wasn’t getting any hot water, so I eventually (after a few days of cold showers) let my apartment manager know and the problem was supposedly dealt with. Well, it wasn’t. Turns out my water heater needs a new element, which is being replaced sometime today. So, hot shower here I come!!

That’s it.

Go Colts!!!