Surprised? We Were. Twice.

I'm pregnant again.

When I miscarried last December, I was a little surprised when Steve said he would like to try again for a kid. It made me feel better because I had worried that he wasn't too thrilled about our very unplanned pregnancy. And, it was something to hold on to when my bout with depression was at its darkest.

We had been advised to wait until after my first period after the miscarriage before we started trying to get pregnant again, so for all of December and a bit into January, we used protection. We gave it up after a month because all we heard and read about suggested that our first quick pregnancy was a bit of a fluke - the average 25-year old woman takes 6 months of trying to get pregnant and the time is lengthened as the woman gets older...and is even longer if the man is more advanced in age (i.e. old, like Steve. *grin*). We figured we had awhile.

My first period after the miscarriage never came and it worried me a little. The first part of February, I decided to see a doctor about it to see if something was wrong, maybe something the miscarriage had caused. Before I went to the doctor, though, I decided to rule out another possibilty and, without telling Steve I was doing it, took a home pregnancy test. It started to turn positive before I had even stood up from the toilet seat. I was stunned. Steve came in to the bathroom to see if I wanted him to make me a mug of hot chocolate before work. I wordlessly showed him the pregnancy stick. He was speechless for a few beats. "Wow," he said, "you must be really fertile."

Big difference between this pregnancy and the last - we knew it could end at any moment and it made us cautious in our excitement. I told my mom a few days after we learned about it because 1) I'm not good at keeping my own secrets and B) my dad and stepmom were visiting us that weekend and I was afraid I'd let it slip and I knew my mom would want to be the first to know. Good thing, too, because I did let it slip and was glad I had told her first. Steve and I decided not to tell anyone else until the 2-month mark, and then only immediate family members. Then we'd tell other people at the 3-month mark.

The thing is, we didn't really know how far along we were because I hadn't had a period. We went to the Air Force base clinic and had the pregnancy confirmed, but they couldn't tell how far along we were with the test they ran. We decided to wait to find out until our first OB doctor visit, but I guessed that I was 3-4 weeks pregnant by the time I took the test, since that's about when we had stopped using protection. And that's about when I had started to feel a little nauseated.

Yesterday, we went to our first OB appointment. I told the nurses about the miscarriage and not having had a period since but that I guessed to be about 8 weeks along, give or take. They were super cool. In fact, I really like the clinic and our doctor. We know several people who have gone there and have only heard good things. Our experience yesterday was wonderful - not a lot of wait time, very friendly staff, nice facility, great doctor, AND they are open later in the evening so I shouldn't have to miss too much work to go to appointments. Yay!

After all the preliminary stuff, the doctor came into the exam room and prepped to do the ultra sound (we'll have one every visit because our insurance pays for them). She said we were going to do a vaginal ultrasound because it would give a better indication of how things are going at this early of a stage. That lasted about half a second. She said, "You're futher along than you think. We're doing an abdominal ultrasound."

Turns out, I'm 13 1/2 weeks pregnant! I was stunned. STUNNED! It means we basically conceived very shortly after the miscarriage! We used protection! Sigh. I guess it was just meant to be.

I can't say I'm totally over the shock of being 5 weeks further along than I had thought, but there are some definite plusses. I was a little sad that I was already beginning to have a bulge at just 2 months. A slight bulge at 3 months is much more acceptable to me...my own standard for my own body, mind you. I've got to admit that after having a flat stomach for the first time in my life, I'm not thrilled with losing it, but I'm sure I'll deal with it. It's not like I'm dieting or anything. Trying to eat healthy = not eating a whole bag of corn chips when the craving overwhelms me.

So, this pregnancy, though somewhat more planned than the last, has definitely held some surprises for us. The big surprise that I'm glad we didn't get is that we don't seem to be having twins. Whew! It was so neat to see the little baby that is growing inside me and to hear its heartbeat. We didn't get to do either the last time, it was too early. We're still pretty cautious about our enthusiasm - the pain and heartbreak from last time is still too recent to forget, but it's nice to know that we've hit a crucial milestone of the first trimester. We know things can still happen, but it's less likely. *knock on wood*

In our shock of being further along than expected, we forgot to get an expected delivery date, so right now we're just looking at September. That's 6 months from now and good enough right now. We'll try to get a more "exact" date at our next appointment. AND, if baby cooperates, we may learn its gender at our next appointment - April 4!

I'll keep you up-dated, of course. *smile*

Comfort

January was a tough month for me - gray skies, bitter cold, polluted air, piles of snow, and a healthy dose of depression brought on by the weather and a miscarriage. I'm sure glad that month is over.

So far, February is still pretty cold, but 35 degrees seems almost balmy after 15 degrees, and at least there are patches of blue sky and sometimes the sunshine actually warms my face for a moment or two! A little sunshine goes a long way.

This month, I'm in recovery mode and am treating myself to a month of comfort in as many ways as I can think of. For example:

Comfort Books:
I don't have a lot of time to read for pleasure, since a healthy portion of my time is taken up doing homework for my Masters of Taxation classes; however, I've decided to reread a series of books that to me are pure comfort. They're an easy read with a little bit of romance, a bit of mystery, lots of yummy recipes, and nothing too serious happening. There's over a dozen books with no end in sight, so I may not actually read all the books I have of the series, but I'll enjoy the ones I read, and maybe I'll actually bake some of the recipes this time.

Comfort Food:
Lately, I've been all about simple, warm, comforting food. I haven't been in the mood for anything too fancy or new, just food I know and that I know I love. For example, all day yesterday I was so excited to get home to make dinner because I was making hamburger rolls, a family recipe that my mom made when I was a kid. It's easy to make. And, unlike sometimes when you look forward to something all day, the end product didn't disappoint - it was as perfectly comforting and yummy as I knew it would be.

Comfortable Clothes:
This isn't a huge departure for me because I don't really go for fashion over comfort generally. However, I'm definitely leaning towards the clothes in my closet that are the most comfortable, even for my sparse wardrobe. I'm talking sweaters mostly. They are warm and soft and fit me nicely but also loosely. I bought a couple new sweaters a couple weekends ago and really like them - they are sea foam green and light blue, so they add a burst of color to my other sweaters, which are black, gray, brown. I also bought a new pair of pajama pants that are pink and red and uber cute and comfortable. I love lounging around in them in the evening.

Comfortable People:
February is packed with spending time with people in my life that I feel really comfortable with: Steve (of course!), old friends, and family. Last Saturday, we had a potluck dinner party with two of my friends and the men in their lives. Sunday, my brother and his family came up for church and lunch, then we all went to the house of a good friend for the Super Bowl. This weekend, my dad, stepmom, and little sister are coming up for a couple days. Then my mom will be visiting us President's Day weekend! I love being able to spend time with so many people I love.

Other Things That Bring Me Comfort:
1. Starting to go to church more regularly.
2. Having a job and making money.
3. Playing with and petting my dog.
4. Chocolate.
5. Comfortable pillows and bed.
6. Fuzzy pink slippers.
7. The groundhog didn't see his shadow and supposedly that means an early Spring. *fingers crossed*
8. Writing.
9. Reading blogs.
10. Quilts - all made by beloved family members.

Did You Know...

Did you know...

...that I cut 4 inches off my hair last weekend on a whim? It's now to my chin in the front and shorter in the back.

...that Steve and I are making homemade pizza tonight and I'm so excited to eat so many sauteed mushrooms that about 1/3 of them will actually make it on my side of the pizza?

...the Colorado Avalanche is my favorite professional hockey team?

...Vancouver Canuck's are my least favorite team? Technically, the Avalanche's hated rivals, the Detroit Red Wings should be, but I can't help it.

...I got a cheap-o bubble gum dispense as a white elephant gift at my office Christmas party? It's on my desk and I put salted peanuts in it.

...I also have 2 mugs of candy on my desk? One is Miss Chatterbox and contains Kisses, the other is Miss Sunshine and holds Skittles. Steve gave me the mugs.

...I'm going to school for a Masters of Taxation? It's the only such program in the state of Utah.

...I recently went to San Antonio with Steve? You should if you read the blog regularly. :)

...we're planning a trip in May and may go to Disney World? I've never been to Florida - it's the big selling point as I'm not really big on amusement parks.

...I'm slowly losing the weight I put on at Christmas? I'm down 4 lbs!

...yellow is my current favorite color? It's so friendly and sunny and hopeful.

...I miss my mom? Luckily, she's coming for a visit in February!!!

...I'm currently suffering from seasonal depression? No sunshine for weeks on end does that to me. (And possibly lingering effects from a miscarriage???)

...I have a greyhound named Sadie? She's a crazy, wonderful, silly dog who always makes me feel loved when I get home from work. She is at the door even before Steve to welcome me home.

...I love mushrooms sauteed in butter? Mmmm. I can't wait for dinner tonight!

...I'm a Ute, a Thunderbird, and a Wildcat? Someday, I'll probably add to that list.

...I want to be a professor when I grow up? Most likely an Accounting professor, but maybe Economics.

...that we're planning on going to a Denver Broncos game this fall? They used to be my least favorite team, until they signed Peyton Manning, my football crush. Now I cheer for them because I want him to do well. Yes, Steve knows and doesn't care. He's a good man.

...I used to like the 49ers until the coach was a big, fat jerk to Alex Smith (a fellow Ute alumnus). That said, I can't cheer for Ray Lewis and the Ravens, so I guess I hope the 49ers win the Super Bowl this Sunday. Lesser of two evils, I guess.

...my husband is cheering for the Cowboys this weekend? He doesn't believe in cheering for any other football team. That's loyalty, people.

...I've never owned a pair of cowboy boots? Are they comfortable? They don't look comfy, but I wouldn't know since I've never even worn a pair. Maybe someday...if we move to Texas?

...that as I saute sliced mushrooms I'll also be dipping raw mushrooms in ranch and popping them in my mouth? Mmmmm. Good thing it's time to go home, so I can eat me some mushrooms!!

Have a good evening, everyone!!

Deep in the Heart of Texas

Early last November, as the days grew shorter and the weather turned colder, I announced to Steve that we needed to take a winter trip to somewhere warm. We had initially set aside the Martin Luther King, Jr holiday weekend as a time to go to Denver to see the Avalanche play (our favorite professional hockey team), but sadly, the players and owners couldn't resolve their differences in time for the season's start, and we weren't sure there was even going to be a hockey season this year. Since we couldn't count on being able to see a hockey game, I reasoned that we should instead spend the weekend in a place that would most likely be warmer than Utah in January.

We threw around a few possibilities over the ensuing weeks before finally choosing San Antonio, TX. I've never been to Texas, so I could add it to my list of States I've Visited. Steve went to basic training at a base nearby, so he had been to San Antonio before, but it had been over 22 years and he didn't really remember a lot about it. We looked at the average temperatures in San Antonio in January and the mid-60s looked very appealing. By mid-December, we had our flights and hotel room booked. Texas, here we come!

My work had a "retreat" (i.e. party) Friday afternoon with lunch, bowling, and billiards. We could leave at any time, so I got home around 3pm, and Steve had already cleaned the house, taken Sadie to the kennel, and put our suitcase in the car. We were ready...and yet our flight didn't leave until 8pm, so we had to wait around for a couple hours before we headed south to the airport. We arrived in good time, took the shuttle from the economy parking lot to the airport, checked our bag, went through security, and then discovered that our flight was delayed by just over an hour. Not happy, but with weather being what it's been lately, we weren't too upset...until we discovered that our flight was delayed to poor scheduling of the flight crew. We ended up waiting over 2 hours for them to fly in from Kansas because someone hadn't scheduled them properly in order to get a flight crew to us in time. Steve swears we'll never fly that airline again (Delta).

Our delayed flight and the hour time change meant that we arrived in San Antonio just before 2am local time. I hadn't slept at all on the flight and was exhausted (and a little cranky). Fortunately, retrieving our bag from the luggage claim, finding a taxi, driving to the hotel, and checking in took just under 30 minutes (wow!), so we were snug in our room by 2:30am.

We slept until 10am and really took it easy getting ready that morning. I even took a relaxing bath, something I never do. I had given myself permission to not leave the hotel until noon (or later if need be) so I didn't feel rushed to get out sight-seeing right away. Steve thinks it's weird that I had to give myself permission to take it easy...I don't think it's weird, but it is a little sad. Something to work on.

When we woke up and opened the curtains in our 11th floor room, the entire outside wall being a window, we looked right at the famed Alamo. It was a block away from our hotel and we had a wonderful view of it! When we checked in, the hotel clerk had apologized that he didn't have a room facing the river walk to give us, but we were more than thrilled to be facing the Alamo.

At noon, we finally left our hotel room and went looking for food. We were both starving. We walked both sides of the part of the river walk that opened up behind our hotel (it was a wonderful location!) before choosing a BBQ joint called The Country Line (maybe The County Line??). It served us delicious, succulent, tender bbq brisket with yummy mashed potatoes and creamy, crispy coleslaw. As we ate, we saw numerous plates of beef ribs pass by our tables and swore that someday we'd go back and order a plate of them. They were so big they could have passed for dinosaur ribs a la The Flintstones. Mmmmm. Being stuffed, we couldn't get dessert at that time, but a few hours later, after doing some sightseeing, we returned for it. I ordered a delicious peach cobbler with Blue Bell vanilla ice cream and Steve got a huge piece of pecan pie, also with ice cream. If we hadn't sworn not to eat at the same place twice (for a meal), we might have eaten there every meal we had in San Antonio. It was good.

After lunch, we walked to the Alamo. I was surprised that we didn't have to pay to go inside, especially since it's the hottest tourist attraction in town. The grounds were lovely and peaceful. I wondered if we were there at a low-peak time, since there weren't as many tourists as I would have expected. I was grateful for the lack of crowds and really enjoyed touring the site. Afterward, we walked the river walk some more before seeing a spot where we could buy tickets for the water boat tour. We lucked into getting tickets just in time and didn't have to wait at all before the boat took off. Our guide was very humorous and knowledgeable and the 45 minutes flew by. We learned a lot about the area, including his favorite spots along the river walk to eat and get a drink. Based on his guidance, we later chose to eat dinner at a fancy restaurant after taking a long nap in our room and taking a short excursion to the wax museum.

I can't remember the name of the restaurant, but it was a good choice. Our primary focus was the guacamole the waiter makes right in front of you - our tour guide said it was fantastic and we agreed! We would go back there and just order two helpings of the guacamole - a spicy one for Steve and the normal one for me. The dinner bread, slices of french baguette, was also exceptional, but the rest of our meal wasn't as wonderful though still tasty. After walking off a bit of our dinner and exploring more of the river walk, we had ice cream at a little creamery. The river walk was incredibly crowded and we thanked our habit of eating earlier than the typical night crowd. We didn't have to wait at all to be seated for dinner, but as we left, we heard the hostess telling someone that the wait was at least an hour and a half. It was the same all along the river walk, which prevented us from getting a nice dessert, but we were happy with our ice cream (I had mango, Steve had an odd concoction that was kind of vanilla and kind of chocolate but didn't taste fully like either). We didn't really know what to do after dinner. We walked around our hotel but couldn't find anything that interested us. Most of the night-time entertainment seemed geared for drinking, which we don't do, so we ended up back in our room, watching movies on tv and reading. Neither of us minded, we're home-bodies at heart and were both pretty tired.

Before retiring for the night, we placed a room service request on our doorknob, ordering breakfast for the next morning around 8am. It was pricey, but we loved the idea of waking up Sunday morning and having breakfast in bed without having to go anywhere to get it. Unfortunately, something went wrong and we never got our breakfast! I had hopped in the shower at 8:15, hoping it would be delivered by the time I got out, but it wasn't. I finished getting ready and by 9:00 we still hadn't received our breakfasts, so we went to the front desk and let them know. They assured us they would make sure we weren't charged, which was nice, but now we had to figure out where to go for food. The was an Einstein's bagel shop in our hotel lobby, so we opted for it. I ordered a breakfast sandwich and wasn't impressed. I ate a few bites and let Steve have the rest. Instead, I ate a chocolate chip cookie. Not a good idea, as it later turned out.

We grabbed a taxi and had the driver take us to the zoo, about a 10-minute drive from our hotel. We walked around for 2 hours before realizing we hadn't seen any of the "big" animals. We'd seen lots of lizards, monkeys, birds, and such (oh and a couple way-cute bears), but where were the elephants, lions, tigers, etc??? We looked at our map and realized we had somehow missed the turn-off to get to these animals. Even with the aid of a map, we still had some difficulty finding where to go, and I got cranky. I probably would have been better if I had had food in my tummy, but I didn't. Steve is such a patient man. And, to my credit, I quickly realized I was being cranky and worked hard not to be. It helped that after an overcast morning, the sun was finally peeking through the disappearing clouds and sunshine really cheers me up. We finally found where to go and saw 2 huge hippopotami (sp?), elephants, zebras, an emu, tiger, lion, kangaroos, a rhino, and other animals. It was a cool zoo and we enjoyed seeing it. Fortunately, our taxi driver had given us his cell phone to call when we needed a ride back in since there wasn't another taxi to be seen at the zoo. Within 10 minutes of our call, he had picked us up. Very nice guy.

Steve quickly fed me lunch at a Mexican restaurant on the river walk. I chose poorly and ate an underseasoned taco salad that didn't have enough protein in it to keep me full long. Ah well. After lunch, we hopped a ride on the double-decker bus tour. It was one of those hop-on, hop-off deals that allows you to get on and off the tour buses as many times as you'd like throughout the day. We started by taking the full 40-minute tour around the city so we could decide where we wanted to get off. One of my favorite moments of the trip came while waiting for the bus to start the tour. We sat on the top deck and the sun shone on us in all its glory. I closed my eyes and basked in the warmth of the day. It was wonderful. Aaahhh. I had to put on my jacket once the bus started, though, because it got kind of chilly driving around. On the second go around, Steve and I got off at the Governor's Palace, a quaint building that had been renovated in the 1930's to look like it had around the time of the Alamo battle. It was interesting. We then walked the couple blocks to El Mercado, the Market, which houses all sorts of shops selling all sorts of items, though mostly touristy souvenir type stuff. The only souvenirs I planned on buying were a magnet and a t-shirt. I bought the magnet at the Alamo and the shirt at the airport. Neither of us are big souvenir people, so our money was safe at the market, except for a large ice-cream cone that Steve bought me, it was yummy! It was neat to see all the wares, though, and we stopped once to watch a street artist drawing caricatures of his patrons. We caught the bus again at the market and stayed on until the Tower of the Americas, although I really wanted to get off at King Williams street to see the huge historic homes. I knew it wasn't something Steve really wanted to do, and it would entail lots more walking and a long time, so I said we didn't have to. We had hoped that the bus would go down the street but it makes sense that they weren't allowed. I wouldn't want a bunch of tour buses going up and down my street all day either. Maybe the next time we go back we'll walk down it. Instead, we got off to see the Tower of the Americas, similar to the Space Needle in Seattle. The area around it had been designed for the 1968 Worlds Fair but it looked a little sad now, maybe because it's winter and nothing was blooming? It still looked cool, though, and we enjoyed the view from the top of the tower. Instead of hopping back on the bus, we decided to walk back to our hotel since it was only a few blocks away. We walked along a part of the river walk that we had seen by boat but hadn't walked yet. It was quiet and nice.

I was feeling kind of light-headed, usually a symptom of not enough calories and protein, so I really wanted to eat steak for dinner. We looked at a couple places as we walked along until finally choosing Saltgrass Steakhouse. I ordered a beautiful ribeye steak with fries and a house salad. Everything tasted marvelous, and I felt much better with some good food in me. Both of us were too full for dessert, so we walked around a bit. We were pleasantly surprised that the river walk was a lot less crowded and finally remembered that it was Sunday evening. We decided to go on the boat tour again since we didn't have anything else we wanted to do, it was fairly inexpensive, and it would be different touring it at night and with a different guide. I'm glad we did it because we did learn new things and it was fun seeing everything at night all lit up. And, our guide won brownie points with me when he found out we are Utah Utes fans and he said he thought it was horrible for Alex Smith to lose his starting QB job just for getting hurt when he'd been doing a good job before that. I couldn't agree more!! This time on the tour, when we got to the part of the river walk that goes by the Riverside Mall, Steve noticed the Official Dallas Cowboys store inside the mall. He's a huge fan, so we made plans to go the next day before heading to the airport. I had also spotted a Starbucks, so we decided to go there for breakfast before going to the Cowboys store.

After the tour, we stopped at a fancy Italian restaurant for dessert. We both ordered a slice of their chocolate mousse cake. It was pretty darn good, but I still think my mom makes the best chocolate cake in the world. We ordered milk to go with it, which was good because the cake was rich and decadant. Tired and feet-weary from all the walking we'd done during the day, we headed back to our room for tv watching, a bath (for me), and book reading before falling asleep.

Monday morning, we woke up and walked to the mall. We arrived just before 9am, an hour before the stores opened, so we had breakfast at Starbucks (a croissant and carmel apple cider for me, orange juice and cinnamon roll for Steve) then walked around looking at all the stores until the Cowboys store opened. Steve very, very rarely splurges on himself. He's a lot better at spoiling me. So, I made sure he bought whatever he wanted, regardless of price. He bought lots of good stuff and I was proud of him for treating himself for once. He felt a little guilty, though, despite me telling him not to, and insisted that I could buy whatever I wanted in the store. I didn't. Nothing sang to me. Nope, I lied. I just remembered that I bought a simple black t-shirt with San Antonio, TX stictched in pink on the front. So, I guess I ended up with two San Antonio t-shirts (since I bought another one at the airport later). He kept trying to get me to buy earrings, jackets, and stuff but for once I wasn't in the buying mood. C'est la vie.

We walked back to our room, made sure we had packed everything, then checked out of the hotel and grabbed a taxi to the airport. We arrived early, so relaxed and read near our gate. This time, our flight departed on schedule and the plane set down in Salt Lake City right around 4pm local time. It was a little depressing to see the haze and the snow, but it felt good to be home. Our dog was still at the kennel and wasn't scheduled to be picked up until the next day (today), so we enjoyed our last night by ourselves and not having to walk Sadie in the cold at night.

I thought it would be hard coming back to the cold and didn't really look forward to it. However, it's been easier than I thought. It's still way too cold but I feel like the small break from it makes bearing it just a bit easier. Like how sometimes a lunch break makes the afternoon work go better, smoother. We're thinking that we might take a winter trip to a warm locale every year. We'd like to go back to San Antonio (seriously, I'd go back just for the guacamole at the restaurant we ate at Saturday night!), but it would also be fun to explore new places. We'll see how things go. I'm just really glad we went.

Now it's time for us to start planning what other destinations we want to visit this year! We're thinking about a long trip in May and maybe another one, shorter, in the summer with my mom. Any suggestions of fun places to go? Where would you like to go on a vacation if money/kids/time-off weren't considerations?

The Red Coals of Sadness

I wrote this post just a few days after I miscarried. Writing it acted as a release valve for all the pain and sorrow I felt but felt too raw and exposed to actually publish it. Now, a month later, I feel okay about sharing it. I'm not changing a word of it, not even re-reading it so I don't get tempted to edit it, but I am finishing it. When I wrote it, we still didn't have the official results saying I'd miscarried. I didn't finish it that day because I had hoped to receive the call giving me the results at any time. It didn't happen until days later, and by then I didn't feel like writing any more about it.

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Imagine the perfect camp fire for roasting marshmallows - there aren't many flames, just searingly-hot coals; concentrated pockets of heat.

That's how the sadness deep in my soul feels. Not a raging fire that looks intense but isn't really as hot as you'd expect. No, my sadness isn't easy to see, it's buried under partially-consumed logs; red-hot coals that slowly, quietly burning with an intense heat.

I've never felt such sadness. It's unexpected and, like a hot brand, will leave a permanent mark on my spirit. Like a brand, it will heal, I have complete faith in that, but I also know I will never be the same.

Last Wednesday, I stopped feeling sick. I read a few sources that said not to worry if you're not feeling morning/day/night sickness but to be glad you're one of the lucky ones. So, I didn't worry.

Friday morning, while walking around the track during my "wellness time", I started to feel a pain very similar to menstrual cramps...except I shouldn't be getting my period because I was pregnant. I walked slower thinking maybe I was overdoing the exercise.

When I returned to my office, I went to the bathroom and found blood on my underclothes. Even then, I didn't panic. The nurse at the base, the nurse in the health center, and several articles online had all said to call my doctor if I ever experienced pain or bleeding. Well, I didn't have a doctor yet, I would be referred to one the following Monday after the pregnancy orientation on base, so I called Steve. He said he'd call the base to see what we should do and would call me back.

While waiting for his call, I told my coworker what was happening and he said it had happened to his wife during their second pregnancy and all ended up fine, but he agreed that I should see a doctor right away just to be sure.

Steve called back. The base nurse said to go to the nearest ER since we didn't have an OB doctor yet. He was coming to pick me up.

We spent just over three hours in the ER; I had blood drawn to test my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone), a pelvic exam to see if my cervix was closed (it was, and the doctor was glad so it must have been a good thing), and an ultrasound. The end results were that the baby was too small at that time to determine if its heart was beating but the egg sac was present and looked good and my HCG level was where it should be for how far along I was. The ultrasound had discovered a ruptured cyst on an ovary, which explained the cramping and blood loss. Since they couldn't say for sure that the baby was still good, they told us to go back on base on Monday to have my HCG level tested again. If the level went down, it would mean I'd miscarred. If it was the same or higher, the pregnancy was still good. The nurse was very optimistic, sure that the pregnancy would continue and the little baby inside of me would be fine. They sent us home and put me on bed rest for the weekend.

It was a long weekend. I usually pack a lot of activities into our weekends, so it was kind of hard, but kind of nice, to not be able to do anything. I managed to do some homework Saturday morning, but the rest of the day was lazy and restful. My spirits were pretty good, mostly because of a loving husband who always makes me feel better.

Sunday, I awoke to a gray day and my spirits were just as gray, if not more so. I stayed in bed until noon because I felt an overwhelming sadness I didn't want to explain to Steve in case it made the situation more real. I read a silly but entertaining book but would occassionally have to stop reading because I had the sudden urge to break down crying. My body sensed something I couldn't know for sure. Eventually, I joined Steve in the living room where we played games on the wii, watched movies and football, and just enjoyed being together. He kept asking if I was okay, so I knew I wasn't hiding my feelings as well as I'd hoped. I told him I was worried and sad and then he'd hold me close and say all sorts of nice things.

Just before bed, I used the bathroom, and something came out on the toilet paper wad. Something that wasn't a blood clot; there had been a few of those throughout the weekend. I knew what it was but had Steve come in to look so he could give his opinion. He knew too. It was the egg sac. I had miscarried.

That night will be one I will remember. The pain and sadness were unlike anything I'd ever felt and hope to never feel again. However, I will also always remember the closeness I felt with Steve. We were parents who had lost their unborn baby before it was even identifiable as a baby, and that bond strengthened our love for each other immeasurably. I sobbed and he held me tight. We talked of our disappointment and sadness and hopes for the future and our love for each other. It was immensely bitter but twinged with sweetness.

The next morning, we had our appointment on base to get my HCG levels retested. Before sending us to the lab for me to get my blood drawn yet again, the doctor said he'd call later that morning with the results. To keep my mind busy while we waited, I made an appointment to get an eye exam and contacts fitting for that morning. I've been wearing glasses for 6 months because I didn't have a prescription for contacts. Following the appointment, we went home and waited.

Midway through our dog walk, I decided I didn't want to wait any more and called the base clinic. I was then told that they wouldn't have the results for up to 72 hours!!! I told them they were wrong and that the doctor had said he'd call me before noon. The nurse told me the doctor was wrong. The type of HCG test that he'd ordered had to be sent off base so it took awhile to get the results. I hung up the phone and lost it. Again, Steve just held me tight as I sobbed. Even though I pretty much knew I had miscarried, until I got the official results, there was this tiny glimmer of hope that we were wrong. That hope scared me.

Steve suggested we go somewhere else to get the test done again, somewhere that could get the result back in a couple hours instead of a couple days. I thought about it while we finished our walk, but in the end said no. I had spent too much time in the last week at the doctor, too many pokes in my arm, too much time in waiting rooms. Since we were already pretty sure what had happened, we'd just go with that and wait until the base called with the results.

***********************************************************

We ended up not finding out the results for almost a week. A week of not being 100% sure, a week of hope regardless of being fairly sure that the pregnancy had ended. We finally went back to the ER to get a new HCG test since we found out after another call to the base that the test I had on base might take another week to get the results! The lab at the hospital had the results in 20 minutes. The miscarriage was confirmed. It was a relief to finally have the results and I felt we could finally start to heal.

Through it all, I have been grateful for my faith in God, for the love of my wonderful husband, and for the support and kindness of my family and friends. A month later, and I'm still amazed by how much the miscarriage affects me, the sense of loss that I still feel. I don't spend hours upon hours crying (thankfully) and can carry on like normal, but I feel the difference. I'm so thankful for the healing powers of time and for father's blessings that offer hope and guidance. And, whenever I feel down, I find peace in the arms of the man that I plan to love forever.

October Update

I realized yesterday that I forgot to do a September update. I've been busy. And I forgot. It's amazing what you can forget when you're not paying attention. I decided to write my October Update since it's close enough to the end of the month and because I'm at work with nothing to do but study for my upcoming International Accounting test. (yuck)

So, here we go.

Surgery. I'm pretty much fully recovered from my June tummy tuck. It amazes me that it took so long to feel so close to 100% better. I'm not 100% better. I will consider myself 100% better when I no longer have any tightness around my stomach. It's almost gone and a lot of the time I forget it's there, which is a good indication that it's not as bad as it was OR that humans really do get accustumed to just about anything. I'm going with the former. Another good sign of improvement is my increased stomach muscle strength. I'm able to do sit-ups by myself as long as my feet are tucked under something, usually my sofa. I'm gradually increasing the number of sit-ups I do every night and find I'm able to go faster than when I started. The area around my belly button is still numb but that area is decreasing in size slowly.

I'm still loving the effects of the surgery. I've never enjoyed wearing pants so much! I'm really glad I did it; however, I think I'm done with plastic surgery. My breasts, upper arms, and thighs still have a lot of excess skin, but I can live with them. My body isn't perfect, but I don't need it to be. I'm okay with how I look...at least most of the time. :)

Work. When I interviewed for this job, I asked about the workload. I was told that it was enough to keep me pretty busy all the time but not so much that I'd feel a lot of stress to get things done. I was very happy since I like to be busy and productive. Three months into the job, I've pretty much figured out all the things I'm supposed to do and do them all too efficiently. The things that are supposed to take me all month to do, I finish earlier. It's a good thing, except that it leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. I'm hoping to pick up duties to supplement my current work load.

On the whole, I really enjoy my job. The people with whom I work are pretty terrific, especially those in the same building as my office. There are a couple people that annoy me but luckily I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis. And, in fact, I like them as people, but their silly office politics drive me batty. One of them is always forgetting that she doesn't have to do my job any more...she took over for a long time before they hired me and found she really likes it and doesn't want to give it up. Ah well. It's a good job and I'm glad to have it...most of the time.

School. I will be so happy when this semester ends! I know that one shouldn't wish away time, but it will really be good to get this semester finished. My classes this semester, International Accounting and Advanced Financial Reporting, had such potential to be really good, but the professors aren't teaching the material. It's kind of frustrating. After talking to several other Masters students last week, I decided to change from the Masters of Accounting program to the Masters of Tax program. It's not a very significant change except that the professors who teach the tax classes are better professors. I've had one before and loved his teaching style. The other is the favorite professor in the Accounting department because he is such a good teacher. So, I'll get better instruction and will still get a degree that will get me where I want to go - a PhD program. I'm struggling to balance full-time work with two Masters classes and a husband, but I'm making it work. I like my job, I like being in school, and I love my husband, but all three together stresses me out (although Steve is such a help, as I'll write below). I'm constantly fighting off the urge to quit school or work, reminding myself that it will be worth it if I perservere. Someday, I'll be doing what I want (teaching Accounting at a university), but in the meantime, I try to be grateful to be where I am instead of where I've been in the past (that job I hated in Salt Lake!).

Journaling. Still isn't happening. It's sad. My journal is now by my bed but I still neglect it. I really would like to record the events of my life more frequently. I need to figure out how I'm going to get back into the habit.

Exercising. Weber State has a Wellness Pays program that pays employees for doing healthy things. One of the things is a twelve-week exercise program. All I have to do is record when I exercise and after 12 weeks turn in the record and receive $20 on my next paycheck. I exercise any way, so I'm getting paid to do what I already do! I'm almost done with my 12 weeks and have only missed three days of exercising the whole time. Yay! Two of those days I was sick and the other day was a day I had class at night and didn't make it to the gym during the day. Mondays and Wednesdays are the nights I have class and so can't go walking with Steve and Sadie in the evening. Weber State allows employees 3 hours of paid "wellness time" every week, so I use that time to walk around the indoor track at the gym on the days I have class. I used to also walk Sadie every morning, but our family life has changed in such a way that I don't do that any more. I don't record the mileage any more, just the amount of time, so next year I'm going to make a goal that reflects that.

Steve. We found out the 16th of this month that Steve will be retired from the Air Force as of December 1, 2012! He had applied for early retirement for various reasons but we didn't think we'd find out as soon as we did or that it would be so soon. When he first decided to retire early, I was a little stressed, but not any more. It helps that I have a full-time job now. Even though it doesn't pay a lot, combined with his retirement, we'll be okay. In fact, we'll be making about what we're used to having to spend, since we are used to putting a healthy chunk of our income in savings. We won't be able to save as much until Steve gets another job, but at least we'll be able to pay all our bills and pretty much live like we're accustomed. Overall, it's a really good thing Steve is retiring. He's put in 22 years and has really earned this retirement. Whatever he ends up doing, I just hope it's something he enjoys.

Like I said, we found out on the 16th and the 18th was his last day of work since he has so much leave accrued. He has had to go on base a few times to do out-processing stuff, but mostly he's been at home. I'm constantly reminded of what a great man I married. Now that I'm working full-time, going to class, and having tons of homework, Steve has really stepped up to help around the house. He had stepped up before he retired, but since staying home all day, he's been even more helpful. Every weekend, while I'm in the Study doing homework, he's downstairs cleaning the house. Now he's even started taking over the cooking duties! Thank heavens for Pinterest and simple but delicious recipes! He gets a little bored, but mostly he's happy to be retired. He knows of some jobs on base that will be opening soon and has tons of contacts on base that will help him get a civilian job, so I'm pretty confident he'll get a job sooner or later. Until then, I'm just glad he's happy.

Other. We've been pretty busy lately. Lots of fun things happening. We've gone to a couple WSU football and volleyball games and a play called Charm. As a staff member, I get two tickets to lots of activities for free. It makes date nights easy to plan and very inexpensive. One night this month, my department at work had a dinner and bowling activity for all of us who had volunteered for the Tech Expo we hosted on campus. Steve and I decided to go to support my work and ended up having a blast. They had really tasty bbq brisket and chicken with corn bread, beans, and peach cobbler! After dinner, we played a few games of bowling and I actually did better than usual. Then we played billiards...I'm horrible at billiards. We played twice and I won once because he hit the 8 ball in when he shouldn't. It was a lot of fun. This next month, we'll be going to more games on campus, especially since basketball is starting. And, there's another play! We're active Wildcats.

Last Friday, we went with my cousin Cassie to Laughing Stock, a comedy improv group that we used to go to every cousins weekend. Before Laughing Stock, we ate dinner at a Lebanese restaurant then had cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory...so overpriced but so yummy! Steve was such a good sport, listening to us babble incessantly. It was fun seeing Cassie and great to get back to Laughing Stock.

Sunday, Steve and I went to my nephew's Primary program in Sandy. It was the first time Steve has ever been to church with me (he's only ever been to family baptisms and a funeral with me), so I explained what to expect in Sacrament Meeting as we drove the hour to my brother's church house. My nephew, who is 4, was a hoot to watch during the program. He sings with such gusto and earnestness and is such a ham at times. Afterward, we had lunch at their house and played for a little bit. I'm glad to have family close by and will be sad if they end up moving away like they're hoping to.

October was a good month. I loved that it stayed warm most of the month and the fall colors were beautiful, as always. Last week, when the snow storm blew in and dropped a couple inches of snow, I realized that I'm so not ready for winter and the cold! I keep trying to convince Steve that we should move to a tropical island/country now that he's retired. There are places we could live like kings on his retirement alone! So far, I haven't convinced him, so I guess we'll stay put...for now.

Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope you have a safe, fun holiday! I'll be dressing up as a bee again and may post a picture if I manage to take one.

Trending with Julie

Do you tend to get hooked on things, almost to the exclusions of other things?

I certainly do. I've had a pysch eval, before my lapband surgery, and OCD was ruled out, so I know it's most likely a normal tendancy that most people have to varying degrees. Luckily, my degree is Economics.

And Accounting.

Anyhoo, this post is dedicated to the Trends in my life right now. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy these things.

1. Chocolate Chip Cookies. I've always enjoyed a good cookie, regardless of the flavor. This Spring, needing something sweet to eat, not wanting to go buy anything and not having a lot of ingredients, I made peanut butter cookies - the only recipe for which I had all the ingredients. I really enjoyed baking and eating them, so I decided to buy some chocolate chips and try baking them. Well, I baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies practically every week (or every other week, depending on how long a batch lasted) this Summer. On our cruise to Alaska, I fell in love with these little, crunchy chocolate chip cookies and ate a few dozen probably. Now that I'm working full time and going to school, I don't bake cookies as much as I did, but I still make them sometimes and I certainly eat them whenever I can.

2. Salad. I liked salad before my lap band surgery but didn't really eat it that often. After my surgery, though, lettuce was a big problem for me. It got stuck and created a horrible blockage that usually ended in an unpleasant scenario. So, I stopped eating lettuce. I'd pick it off hamburgers and sandwiches, would let Steve eat my house salads at restaurants, and we never bought lettuce. I'm not sure when I started taking a few bites of salad before turning it over to Steve, but it started happening more frequently. Recently, I've been on a real big salad kick. We've started buying heads of lettuce and lots of veggies/cheese/ham to put in the salad. I like mine with ranch, Steve likes noncreamy dressings. I'm eating a salad right now. It's delish. After my tummy tuck, I had my band almost completely emptied due to complications. I've had it filled again, but it's a lot looser than it was pre-tummy tuck, so as long as I eat slowly and carefully, I don't have any unpleasant endings.

3. Belts. Pre-tummy tuck, I never used a belt. They got in the way and were sometimes quite uncomfortable. Now, however, most of my pants, including those I have bought since losing my tummy, are too loose and fall down too low if I'm belt-less. So, I hardly ever go without a belt. I only have a couple, so I'm itching to go shopping to buy some new ones!

4. Yellow. I paint my toe nails, and sometimes my finger nails, yellow and love it! It's such a fun, friendly color. I also painted our sitting room yellow and it really makes me happy to sit in there with a good book or puzzle or just to take a nap. I'm hoping to paint more rooms in our house different shades of yellow. For years, I've been looking for a yellow necklace. It would give a burst of color to an outfit, but I haven't found one I like yet...there's not a lot out there, unfortunately. At work, we have door signs that we put outside our doors to say why we're aren't in our office (Lunch, Meeting, Errands, Sick, Vacation, etc.). Mine are yellow. I chose them. They are cute.

5. Puzzles. I haven't done one since I started working, but my fingers are itching to start a new one. I'd only be able to work on it on Sundays - my self-imposed day off from homework (unless I was unable to do homework on Saturday due to plans that couldn't be scheduled for another time). Puzzles are fun. They make my mind work but in a relaxing way. And, when you're finished, you have something pretty to look at that you "created".

6. Pinterest. I am a huge recipe collector. I have magazines and books full of recipes, some that I'll never make but that look yummy or interesting. I like Pinterest because I can peruse tons of recipes and not spend a dime. I've made many recipes that I found on Pinterest, and also discovered a food blog that I really like, Chef-in-Training. Her recipes aren't complex or time-consuming, and Steve and I have enjoyed almost every one. So far, my favorites of hers are the Greek Chicken Gyros and the Chicken Fajita soup. Oh! And the Chinese Chicken Salad! I could have eaten it every meal for a week, it was soooo good!!

7. Glasses. Eye glasses to be precise. For the last couple months, I've worn glasses instead of contacts because of a contacts prescription that I didn't like. It was the brand of contacts; they made my eyes hurt. The store wouldn't substitute the brand I normally buy because it wasn't on the doctor's prescription. I didn't have time to go back to the doctor, so I returned the contacts and am just wearing my glasses. Luckily, I like my glasses. My eyes feel better than they have in a long time - the doctor told me I've been wearing contacts too long every day and he could see a slight indention in my eye ball because of it! The things I dislike about wearing glasses is 1) smudges - I get them all the time, b) inclement weather - I either take them off and can't see or wear them and still can't see, c) they get in the way when snuggling with Steve, and 4) I can't wear sunglasses while wearing my glasses. Still, it's fun to have a new look.

8. Milk in the A.M. Lately, I take a glass of milk with me to work every morning. I've always liked milk but rarely drank it pure, usually I prefer it with chocolate syrup mixed up with it. I'm not sure why I started drinking milk with my breakfast, but I started running behind while getting ready, so I started taking my glass to go. And, it isn't just any glass out of my cupboard. It has to be one of the three red glasses from my grandmother's kitchen or one of the three red, plastic, cheap glasses we bought for when small children come over for dinner. These are my milk glasses. I don't take even a little sip of the milk until I'm seated at my desk. Sometimes I will have eaten breakfast, other times (most frequent) I eat breakfast at my desk as well. Milk. It does a body good.

9. Gym Time. Speaking of something that does a body good, I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week. Weber State allows employees 3 hours of release time to do wellness-type activities. These 3 hours are paid for and don't need to be made up by skipping lunch or staying late. I had chosen to do yoga 3 hours a week, but it didn't work out. My stomach hurt too much and the room was so hot I almost fainted the first day. So, now I go to the gym and walk/sometimes jog around the track and do a little weight training. It's a nice break in the day and is especially nice since 2 of the three gym days are days I have class in the evening and so can't go for our nightly walks with Sadie. I've noticed the weight creeping up on me (see number 1 on this list!) so this time at the gym could prove to be very useful in keeping it where I want it to be.

That's a good enough list for now, I think. Now you know what I've been liking nowadays. What's been trending with YOU?

Ready for Change?

There's something about Autumn that makes me want to be a brunette. Maybe because I like how orange, red, gold, brown, and other typical "Fall color" clothes look on me when I have brown hair compared to when I'm blond. Maybe because brown is a Fall color and blond is bright and better suited for Spring. Whatever the reason, I definitely feel the pull to dye my hair a nice, rich, brown every Fall. This one included.

And yet, I always hesitate before I dye my hair brown.

It's not that I have never dyed my hair brown before. In fact, I started dying my hair brown more than 17 years ago. I like having darker hair. My blue eyes stand out more when my hair is dark. I feel a little exotic with dark hair.

And still I hesitate to do it.

After several years of being a brunette and morbidly obese, I lost 90 lbs and went blond as my "reward". I stayed blond for two years while I was getting skinnier, so now I kind of associate being blond with being skinnier and brunette with being fat (with just me, of course, not everyone). Then last year, I chopped my blond hair off really short then a few months later dyed it brown. I didn't like it. I didn't feel like me. Not a good time to try dark hair again.

Despite that feeling, I feel this strong urge to dye my hair brown. Maybe to prove that I can be a brunette and skinny and look good since my hair has grown out more and I like the cut? I even bought hair dye a few days ago.

Still, I hesitate.

Really, it's about change and how hard it is sometimes for me to adjust to changes. I never struggle with going blond after being brunette because I know how easy it is for me to dye my hair brown if I tire of my color. It's much harder to go blond after being brunette. I can't do it myself, it's a long-ish process, and it's expensive.

This week, Steve and I learned that our life is going to go through a fairly big change by the end of this year. Nothing horrible or even hugely dramatic, just a change. It will affect him more than me, but it will impact both of us. We thought we had the next couple years planned out and it's been a little unsettling to have those plans change and to not know what life has in store for us. Change is a little scary for that very reason. I like to know (or think I know) what's going to happen.

I honestly think that this upcoming change is going to be a blessing, though it may not feel like one right now. Change can be a good thing. It makes us re-evaluate our priorities, sweep away cobwebs, learn, adapt, hopefully improve. As much as I sometimes love being in a rut, change can lead me down paths that are exciting, beautiful, and interesting. I had a hard time adjusting to the change of working full-time again, but now I realize how much of a blessing it was for me to get this job. It makes the upcoming change a lot easier for me to handle. And, I'm meeting lots of great people and learning lots of new things. I'm a better person for having gone through that change.

So, tonight, I'm dying my hair.

Labor Day Weekend - I'm Exhausted!

I'm beginning to think I need to rethink my weekends. I find myself looking forward to going back to work so I can relax a little!

In all seriousness, Steve and I have a lot of fun on weekends. There's so much to do around here that it's hard to sit at home and let it all pass us by. Don't feel too sorry for us, though, we somehow manage to squeeze in a bit of relaxation here and there.

Our Labor Day weekend started Thursday night. We both rushed home from work, leaving a little early with permission, of course, jumped in our car and headed to the University of Utah first home football game. It started at the ridiculous time of 5:15, so we were late. We arrived where we normally park and found the street full of cars, so we parked further away from the stadium and hiked up. It was hot, the street was sharply inclined, and I got a blister. I didn't care - I was with Steve and we were going to watch live football! The game was against a smaller school, so it was a bit of a blowout, but we still had a lot of fun. We ate hot dogs and chips, drank lots of Sprite, and I had a snow cone. It rained a bit in the 2nd half, but we were tough and stayed. Steve's highlight of the night was getting to see the Stanley Cup in person. It was during half-time, when I went to get the snow cone, so I missed it. I guess a member of the LA Kings was present at the football game and he brought the Cup to show the crowd. It would have been neat to see, but I'm glad I missed seeing it instead of Steve.

Friday, Steve didn't have to work. He brought me to school where the campus Block Party was going on and purple pancakes were being served. I introduced him to some of the people with whom I work, we ate, then he went home. I worked my department's booth all day and was so glad it was overcast! It was perfect weather for hanging outdoors. Unfortunately, the power went off at our house, so Steve didn't have a/c, tv, computer, washer/dryer, or anything the whole day he had off! Again, at least it was overcast, so he said it didn't get too hot inside the house and he was able to open all the doors and windows to cool off. He picked me up from work and we went out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. I was craving salad and they have a good house salad with stuff other than just lettuce and shredded carrots. We went home and watched football. Well...he did. I finished my book while snuggling with him. It felt great to be at home together relaxing.

Saturday, we woke up early (for a weekend) and headed to Salt Lake. We ate breakfast at Ruth's. Steve's biscuits and gravy looked yummy and his hashbrowns were delish (I tried some) but I was disappointed with my quiche - I make better. However, I loved the fruit that came with my quiche and the side order of bacon was perfection! After breakfast, we headed to the zoo where we met up with my sister-in-law Rachel and nephew Robbie. Steve's friend Tim and his family came a little later and we spent a total of 7 hours roaming the zoo. The new Mountain Shore exhibit is pretty neat. We were fortunate in the weather once again. The cooler temperatures made the animals more active than I've ever seen them. The polar bear was diving and swimming around, cougars roamed their pen, and other animals were out and about as well. We sat in a great spot for the bird show; birds swooped over us several times. It was really neat. My nephew really hit it off with one of Tim's girls - it was cute to see them interact. When we left the zoo, Steve and I stopped at Tulie's a french pastry shop that makes divine chocolate tarts, then ate at The Bayou, a cajun bar. I had hoped for their onion rings (the best I've ever had) but they weren't being served. My gumbo was good, but it didn't really satisfy me, and the salad was just a couple types of lettuce. I love The Bayou, but it didn't hit the spot that time. Oh well. We got home and collapsed. No, first we walked the dog, then we collapsed. I can't remember doing anything, so we probably watched tv.

Sunday was Steve's 41st birthday! I sure am grateful that he was born, that he had parents who raised him well, and that he is naturally a wonderful man. Mostly, I'm grateful that we met, fell in love, and are now living happily ever after. I spent the day doing too much. I ran to the store for things to make him a yummy breakfast - french toast with fruit - then spent the morning making it, serving it, and cleaning up afterward. After a brief interlude of snuggling with him while he watched sports, I returned to the kitchen to make his cheesecake...with disasterous results. Turns out, my pan has warped a little and is no long a tight fit. So, when I jiggled the pan to get out the air pockets, everything came gushing out the bottom. I wasn't happy about it and then got a little peeved at Steve for not caring more about it. Silly me! I really need to learn to laugh at things like this and take them a little less seriously. Steve's just the guy to teach me to do it. I was going to make a chocolate cake, but Steve tried to talk me out of it by suggesting we go out for lunch. Knowing we were going out for dinner and that we had eaten out a lot lately, I declined and spent the next hour making lunch. Then cleaned up afterward. Wrapped Steve's presents, decorated the house with birthday signs, and cleaned the house a bit because we were having company later. At this point, I realized that I had spent maybe 30 minutes with my husband...on his birthday! I was so busy trying to make his day special that I had completely missed the mark. He was napping in front of the tv, so I went into our room for a good pout. I wasn't there long before he came in and made me feel better, like he always does! I'm so blessed to have him in my life! I learned a valuable lesson on Sunday. We cuddled and talked for awhile before heading off to dinner at Sonora Grill where I had delicious sweet pork quesadillas. We stopped off at a store on our way home to get cake and ice cream. That evening, Tim and his family and Rachel and Robbie came over for a quick birthday party. It was a fun evening and a great way to end the day. Oh, and Steve loved all the presents I got him, though he's not so sure about the pedicure gift card. *smile*

Monday, Steve had to work from 8:30am until 9:00pm. Big time bummer. Worse still, he was just there to make sure nothing went wrong and didn't really have work to do. He took his new Kindle Fire with newly downloaded apps and books, so he had something to keep him occupied while at work. I took full advantage of having a day off with no distractions. I did laundry, walked the dog three times, went grocery shopping, watched two episodes of Drop Dead Diva that had been recorded, cleaned the house, baked cookies, did the dishes, and did homework for several hours. When Steve got home at 9:20, I was ready to go to bed and sleep! Instead, I stayed up with him and chatted about our day.

Not every weekend is this busy, but then again, not every weekend is so long. I wish I would have relaxed more with Steve on his birthday, but I can't change that I didn't, just learn from it and move on. I loved walking around the zoo with him, holding his hand and cuddling every chance we got. It was fun spending time with family and friends as well. I'm glad I had time yesterday to get some much-needed chores and homework done. All in all, it was a good weekend!

New Job Update - Part 2

I'm halfway through my fourth week at my new job.

Last night, I dreamed about one of my former jobs, Intermountain Hearing Clinics. Gosh, I loved that place. I loved the two people with whom I worked, I loved my job duties, I loved most of our patients, I loved the commute (3 minutes), I loved the office, I loved our Accountant, etc. I worked there for 7 years before deciding to move on to a different job. It was a hard move but it set in motion changes that really impacted my life. Ever since, then, though, I've been looking for a job that felt as good as that one did. A place where I didn't dread going into work, where I felt I was accomplishing things, where I liked the people I worked with and the things I did at work.

My last job, a student worker at the Student Health Center at WSU, almost fit the bill. I really liked the people with whom I worked and I never dreaded going into work. It was an easy job and most of the time I just did my homework or surfed the web. That was nice but I always kind of felt bad for being paid to do not very much. My supervisor kept telling me not to worry about it, so I mostly didn't.

My new job has a lot of potential to be like my job at Intermountain Hearing Clinics, if not better in ways. I work with some really nice people that make the workday go by nicely. My training hasn't been the most effecient, productive in the world, so it's been kind of hard to determine if I'd like my job duties, but as I'm slowly learning them, I think I'll enjoy them. It's a different kind of bookkeeping than I did at the audiology clinic, but it's still crunching numbers. I support two departments in the IT division, departments that are very different and have different ways of doing things. One department is used to having a support person, the other isn't but has wanted one for a long time. It's going to be interesting working out how to support both departments and their different quirks. I like a good challenge. And, I like that I'm blazing a new trail. The gal I'm replacing has set up a good system, but it's her system. I like that I'll be able to rework it a bit to fit my role - something that is different that what her role was in ways.

I have my own office. I've never had my own office before. At Intermountain Hearing Clinics, my "office" was a built in desk in the kitchen. It made grabbing a snack from the fridge extremely easy, but it was also a high traffic area. At SUU, I had a cubicle...well, more like a desk in the middle of the room with really low walls surrounding it. I now have an office with four walls and a door that I can close if need to be left alone to get an important project done in time. I have walls that I can decorate! I'm not sure how I'll decorate them or when, but I can!

Unlike at Intermountain Hearing Clinics, I now have lots of good benefits - medical (which I declined because I'm insured through the Air Force), dental, life, and retirement!! I'm the most excited by the retirement. The school is very generous with what it contributes to their employees' retirement funds. I also get free tuition for up to 6 credit hours a semester and 3 hours a week of release time to do wellness activities. I'm enrolled in a yoga class twice a week and I don't have to make up that time at work (i.e. come in early, not take a lunch, etc.). I wish WSU had release time for classes like SUU did, but I am really grateful to have it to exercise and do other wellness activities (there's a relaxation room with massage chairs that I can go to once a week - again, without having to make up the time at work!).

Last night, Steve and I made plans for the extra money I'm bringing in now. I'm really excited to be contributing to our financial future. Even when I wasn't working at all, we were in a good spot financially, but now we have the chance to do some things that will really be good for us, now and in the future. I'm glad, and very fortunate, to be married to someone who thinks the same as me about money and savings and debt. The money isn't the most important thing to me (I'm fortunate to be in a position where I don't need to work), but it's definitely a wonderful part of my job.

I hope to stay at WSU for a long time. I plan to stay in this position until I graduate with my Masters, and then I hope a position opens up in the Accounting Services division (Payroll, Accounts Receivable, Purchasing, etc). I'd like to eventually start teaching beginning Accounting classes as an adjunct or assistant professor until I get my PhD. I like working at a university. The atmosphere is different than in a corporate setting. I like the emphasis on learning. My VP really encourages his staff to take or teach classes. And he isn't alone in that; most departments feel the same way. After all, we're at a university! I feel very fortunate to finally be working at a university again. And, I feel very fortunate to have landed in this position, with these people.

It's a good job.

Surgery Recovery Update

It's been just over 8 weeks since my tummy tuck. Can you believe it?

Someone asked me if I still feel pain. Yes, I do. My doctor told me it would take 6 weeks before I'd feel good. He didn't lie.It took that long...and I'm still a work-in-progress. It took 4 weeks to be able to function fairly normally (drive myself, do light housework, walk half a mile, etc.) but I still didn't have feeling in my stomach - total numbness one side to the other- and it still felt like my skin and muscles were being stretched tight (because they had been). It still hurt quite a bit.  At 6 weeks, I felt better, but not 100% better. I finally could go without the support garments (hallelujah!), walk over a mile, clean the bathroom, vacuum, and work full-time. At 8 weeks, I have regained a lot of the feeling back in my stomach, just the very center (about an inch diameter around my brand new belly button) still feels numb. My muscles still feel sore but not as much. There are times I actually forget about my tummy because the soreness isn't too bad. My skin rarely feels tight, just if I've sat too long in the same position.

I can finally sleep on my stomach, but it hurts when I roll over onto it. Once I'm on my stomach, there's no pain, it just hurts to get there. Thankfully, it doesn't hurt so much that I wake up every time I turn over like it used to. Sleeping for hours uninterrupted is a blessing. It hurts to sneeze. A lot. Laughing and coughing still cause minor pain as well, but not as bad as sneezing. I had no idea you use your stomach muscles when sneezing. For that matter, I've learned of all sorts of activities that use my stomach muscles that I hadn't realized before. I can't sit up by myself unless I hold on to something, and then it still hurts quite a bit. Usually, Steve puts his arm in front of me so I can use it to pull myself up.

My stomach muscles are very weak, so I'm slowly trying to increase their strength - I do a few girl pushups and some crunches every night. I tried to do a plank the other night it but was too painful, even with Steve holding up my middle a little to take off some of the pressure. Next week I'm starting a yoga class at work. It's twice a week. I'll have to be very careful to not overdo it and hurt myself too much, but I'm really looking forward to it. Yoga is a great way to build up strength in your core.

I told Steve the other night that I hope to be all healed in two weeks. That means no numbness and no tightness/soreness. I'd love to not hurt when I sneeze or cough or laugh, but a part of me can't comprehend that - it's been so long since I've been pain-free that it doesn't seem possible. However, every week I seem to make huge strides towards completely healed that it's totally possible that I will be in two weeks...or three or four. *smile*

I've come a long way and it feels good to be where I am. I absolutely love wearing clothes! I realize what a silly statement that is, but it's true. I love wearing pants more than I ever did before. Skirts and dresses could sort of hide my stomach, but pants showed it off. So, I chose my shirts carefully when I wore pants - they had to be long enough to cover my tummy. What freedom to choose shirts regardless of their length! In fact, I love wearing shirts that aren't too long now so I can see how good I look in my pants. I bought a new pair of jeans that has a belt and can actually wear shirts tucked in. It's a whole new world for me.

It's been a long healing process, longer than I fully comprehended going into it; however, it's been worth it. Even in the beginning, when I was in so much pain and couldn't do anything by myself and had those awful drainage tubes, there were moments that made it worthwhile. Spending lots of time with my mom, Steve's tenderness and loving service, sitting in bed with Sadie curled up next to me for a couple hours every day, wearing pajamas all day, Mom doing my hair, making out with my hubby, the first time I wore real clothes (after the drains came out) and seeing how flat my tummy was - these are memories of the early days of my recovery, moments that cut through the pain of healing, memories that I cherish. Now, as I feel better every day, every week, I'm rejoicing in my new stomach, my new confidence. It's totally been worth it!

That said...I'm not going under the knife again for a very, very, very long time!!! *smile*

The Lowdown on My New Job - Part 1

Ever since I moved to northern Utah, I've been applying for full-time jobs at Weber State University. I had loved working at SUU and enjoyed the benefits that came from working in an academic setting. A few times, I came close to being hired on at WSU but was never offered a position. Finally, I gave up and decided to go to school full-time to get a Masters of Accounting degree. Not working was so hard for me - I felt horrible about not contributing to our household income - so, after discussing it with Steve, I applied for and was offered a student hourly position at WSU's student health center. It was great! I worked 20 hours a week, most of the time blogging or doing homework. I developed friendships with the full-time staff there and decided I'd stay there until my schooling was finished in December 2013.

Life threw me a curve ball and I panicked...just a little. Steve failed his physical and started a process that may (we won't know for a few months) lead to him retiring a year earlier than we had planned. The thought of him going out and getting another job while I went to school and my ultra-cushy part-time job made me sick. My goal all the time we've been together, in which time he's brought in the bulk of our income, is to be making enough money that when he retires he can work at whatever job he wants - even if it's a piddly job at a sporting goods store - without worrying about our finances. After 20+ years in the military, I think he's earned the freedom to pick a job that he'll really enjoy.

So, with his earlier-than-expected retirement staring me in the face, I immediately jumped on WSU's employment website and applied for the only full-time Classified Staff position currently open. Steve, when he found out, didn't approve. He preferred that I focus on finishing my degree so I could then get a really good job in my career field instead of taking longer to finish because I'm working full-time. In the end, we compromised and agreed that I would work full-time only at WSU, since my goal is to work there or another university for the rest of my career.

A few weeks went by and my panic had mostly subsided. We had talked things through and had a good plan, so I knew we could weather any outcome. I had forgotten about applying for the position at WSU until the day before our Alaskan cruise when I received a call to set up an interview sometime that week. I was thrilled to be getting the call and was disappointed to have to tell the caller, the secretary, that I was going on a cruise and wouldn't be back until the following week. She said she'd let the hiring committee know and would get back to me. I was hopeful that they'd reschedule for the next week. Later that day, she called and asked about June 25th. I said that would be great, so she told me the time and location of the interview. I excitedly told Steve about it and he rained on my parade by reminding me that I was having my tummy tuck on June 22nd and would not be able to walk on my own by the 25th. I said I didn't care. I wouldn't risk not getting the job by calling her back and ask to reschedule. He persisted. I knew he was right but put off making the call until the Sunday after we had returned from our cruise. I left a message explaining my surgery, etc, and asked if we could reschedule once again. I didn't have a lot of hope this time.

I didn't hear back from them before my surgery (a Friday), so I figured they had found someone else in the time since we had talked weeks prior. My tummy tuck took place early Friday morning and I was home in bed early that afternoon when my phone started vibrating. Figuring it way my dad checking to see how I was, I answered, not even looking at the caller. It was WSU calling back to reschedule the interview!! She was surprised I had answered, I explained that I was pretty drugged up but okay. We discussed how soon I could come in for an interview and set a date for two weeks from that day. I was thrilled!

Two weeks later, Steve drove me to the interview. It went really well AND I loved how I looked in real clothes after my surgery. A couple hours later, the director of the department (which is part of the IT Division) called and set up an interview with me and the VP of the IT Division, so I knew they had liked me. I went to the interview with the VP and it went well, too. Talking about the job duties, I felt like they'd be a good fit for me, and my would-be supervisor seemed really nice. A few days later, HR called to offer me the job and I accepted. I had been a little worried about starting to work full-time three weeks after my surgery, but fortunately (for me at least) I had to wait to start working until the background check passed. It took 2 weeks, so I started last Monday, just over 5 weeks after my surgery. By that time, I was feeling good enough to sit at a desk for long periods and walk around as needed.

My first couple days of work went well, despite a little confusion Monday morning when my trainer and my boss weren't there. I spent an hour talking to a guy who had just started the week before, then read for two hours when he had to go to a meeting and before my meeting with HR. Tuesday night last week, I panicked again. Why was I working full-time??? I had a cushy part-time job that gave me time to do my homework, freeing up my free time, and that let me go to school full-time so I could finish faster. I knew it, I loved the people, and I had plenty of time with my husband. Oh! And, I felt horrible about leaving our dog alone outside all day now. I spent a restless night, planning on quitting my new job and begging my old one to take me back. Of course, when morning came, I realized I couldn't do that, even though I really wanted to!

My desire to go back to my old job had little to do with this job. Once at work, I liked it well enough. It was weird because there were huge amounts of times when I wasn't being trained (like right now) and so had to find stuff to do on my own (pretty hard when you don't know what to do or how to do it). Then I discovered a little bit of "politics" that exists and wasn't very excited about having to deal with it. That said, the people were nice and I kept hoping that I'd eventually get trained to do the work and that I'd enjoy the work.

Yesterday, I finally came to terms with my new situation. Quite frankly, I'm a little embarrassed and ashamed  that I ever wasn't. As I wrote earlier, I've been hoping and trying for this for a couple years. It's a good job in a market that isn't overflowing with them. I have good benefits and good prospects of furthering my career. I hope that now my "foot is in the door" I'll be able to one day work in the departments that will be more along the lines of my studies (Payroll, Purchasing, Accounts Receivables/Payables, the Controller's office, Auditing, etc.). Instead of bemoaning the fact that I can't sleep in until 7:30 any more, that the dog has to be alone a little longer, that I won't be able to do homework at work, etc, I should be grateful for the blessing that is this job. And now I am.

And I'm finally beginning to get trained on the "meat and potatoes" of my position and really do think I'll like the work. My official title is Office Specialist. Basically, I'm part secretary and part bookkeeper. My supervisor is the head of one department in the division but I will eventually support both departments in the division (this is the cause of the "politics" I mentioned earlier). I'm glad that my main duties relate to Accounting instead of being a straight secretarial position that just answers phones and orders supplies (which I do, too). It sounds like I'll stay fairly busy once I know what I'm doing but that the work won't be overwhelming. Perfect!

The best part of this job so far is the stress it takes off me about my future. I worried about finding a job after school and Steve's retirement and now I don't have to. It doesn't pay a ton, but it's enough for us right now and, like I wrote earlier, it should be a good stepping stone for other, better-paying jobs on campus.

So, I'm going to relax and enjoy this position for all its worth. It's going to be a little tricky with school, but I changed my class load to two instead of three, so I'm sure I'll be able to get homework done and still spend time with my hubby. I'm meeting very nice people and learning new things. And, I'm not sitting at home bored to tears. Yep, I'm very glad and very fortunate in my new job.

Yay!

Sleeping Troubles

I used to pride myself that I was an excellent sleeper. Yes, it took me awhile to fall asleep at night, but once I was out, I stayed out until morning. Little did I realize how precarious my sleeping rhythm truly was.

Sure, there were the odd sleeplessness occurrences. I distinctly remember three times when I suffered from insomnia. The first time was my first year of college, in my dorm room at the University of Utah. For over a week I couldn't stay asleep once I finally managed to fall asleep. I discussed it with my mom and she did a little research. She called me back awhile later with her findings. Sometimes if one does other things besides sleep in one's bed - like doing homework, reading, watching tv - then your body fails to treat your bed like a place to sleep. I started doing less on my bed (which had been doubling as my couch, especially since it was smack dab in front of my roommate's tv) and soon I started sleeping like myself.

The other two times occurred much later and were only separated from each other by one year. Both times shared something, I was stressed and didn't realize it. Stressed about a decision or more precisely, the direction my life was taking. Both lasted about two weeks and didn't end until I realized the cause and started to do something about it, even just to acknowledge the stress that I hadn't felt but my body had.

These three times were nothing compared to the eye-opening experience of sharing a bed with a man. I swear I didn't sleep well for months! Every time he turned over, I woke up. If he got up to use the bathroom, I was awake by the time he got back into bed. The man thought I was a vampire who never slept because he never saw me asleep. It was at this time that I realized that I wasn't a naturally gifted sleeper, I had just been lucky enough to have the right sleeping conditions for myself for a long time.

Steve taught me the meaning of a true sleep genius. The first time we shared a bed, after we said good-night the guy was asleep in 5 seconds flat. And not just a light slumber. I was able to get out of bed, grab a snack in the kitchen, eat it in bed, and read a little without him so much as change his breathing. I was impressed.

Nope, I am a light sleeper. I mean this in two ways, actually. First of all, I don't sleep soundly at all. Like I said, any movement would wake me up. Same goes for any sound above that of a distant train horn and any light brighter than a dim night light. Steve bought a new alarm clock just for me since at first I didn't have a night stand on my side of the room and was always asking him the time. This new alarm clock could project the time on a wall or even the ceiling. It was pretty handy. And pretty bright. I couldn't sleep with it on, so it had to go.

However, I need light in order to sleep. Looking back on my life, I realize that most of the time, there's always been some outside light source that gently lit up my bedroom (a street lamp, lights from a nearby business, etc.). Steve, having to sometimes work nights and so sleep during the day, likes to have heavy curtains that make the bedroom feel like it's permanently midnight on a starless, moonless night. Turns out, I get night terrors. I'm 35 years old and I get night terrors. If a room doesn't have a teeny bit of light in it, I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat terrified out of my mind over something or other. So, we bought a night light for our bedroom. I'm 35 years old and I have to sleep with a night light. Hence, the other way I'm a light sleeper. On our cruise, the first two nights, I woke up so afraid that I started moving what little furniture existed out of my way so I could get out of the room. We finally started leaving a table lamp on and covering it with multiple towels and jackets (because it couldn't be too bright).

Lately, I can't sleep through the night. I'm finally (after over a year of marriage) getting used to sharing a bed. We have the right amount of light and the temperature is perfect (I decided this post was getting too long to go into my temperature requirements and figure they're pretty standard - not too hot, not too cold). I don't feel overly stressed about what's going on in my life; in fact, I'm quite pleased with my life and some of the changes that have been happening and that are about to happen. However, I can't sleep past 3am without waking up. At first, I had to wake up then to take my next dose of pain killers after my surgery. Now, I wake up having to pee like a race horse. I used to be able to sleep through the night without using the facilities. The worst part is that once I get back in bed, I can't go back to sleep. I know that a huge part of that is the inability to get comfortable. I have to sleep on my back with my head and knees propped up with pillows. If I try to shift to my side, within minutes my stomach muscles throb then become really painful. I'm not used to sleeping on my back nor sleeping without changing positions. And I'm sore. Usually not in pain, thankfully, but almost constantly sore. Tight may be a better description. Like my stomach muscles and skin are being continually stretched. It makes sense, given the procedure of the surgery, but it can wear on me sometimes - usually at 3am.

Fortunately, I know that like the times in the past where a good night's sleep has eluded me, this time will pass. Someday, I'll sleep again. If nothing else, I've learned that I may not be a naturally gifted sleeper genius like Steve, but I do learn how to find my way to sleep eventually.

Thank Heavens!

Surgery and Recovery

Two weeks ago, I underwent a tummy tuck. It was a choice I made with the help of my loving husband who totally accepted my body the way it was...and who understood that the biggest handicap for me to being able to do the same was my tummy.

Three weeks before the surgery, Steve and I went to a pre-op appointment where I learned just how different recovery from a tummy tuck is compared to lap band recovery. I learned about drains, binders, narcotics, compression stockings, and not being able to be upright for up to 10 days. I called Mom, who had agreed to care for me for the week following the surgery, and informed her that it was going to be a bit more of a challenge this go-around. She decided, most graciously and generously, to stay 10 days instead of 7, and we all mentally tried to prepare.

I didn't really start to worry about the actual surgery until the week before. During this time, I learned that not only had my uncle been diagnosed with cancer but that my sister-in-law's mother had terminal cancer and my stepsister has lymph node cancer. Mortality started to appear a lot more fleeting. Then I had dreams involving my deceased grandmothers. In one, I introduced Steve to my dad's mom, who passed away several years ago. She approved of him, by the way, which doesn't surprise me at all. I didn't really believe I was going to die, but I was a lot more aware that death is always on the table when you are too.

My surgery was the first one of the day, so Steve and I arrived at 6am. I like having early morning surgeries; best to get it done with and on to recovery. I think the person being operated on is kind of lucky - they miss all the wait time. One moment they're cracking jokes to the nurses and the next they're waking up. My first thought when I woke up: Thank you, God, for letting me wake up in the doctor's recovery room and not on your doorstep. The recovery nurse commented later that she'd been surprised that I woke up so quickly and that I was so chatty after having gone through major surgery. I told her that I'd been told the same thing after my lap band surgery. I guess anesthesia has that affect on me. And, I have a natural affinity for loquaciousness.

I won't go into the details of the surgery here - if you want them, feel free to call or email me and I can relate to you all that the doctor did. Basically, 6 lbs 2 oz of skin and fat were removed from my body. My bariatric surgeon had said that it would be 10-15 lbs but my plastic surgeon said that's a common misconception and usually only 2-3 lbs are removed. So, I really did have a lot of excess material down there! Steve said my surgeon sounded pretty excited about the weight that had been removed. I guess I am, too, but as I told him, I didn't do it to lose weight but to gain a figure.

Once I was awake and a little more coherent (and had told the recovery nurse most of my life story, I guess), she brought Steve in to see me. A very, very short time later, I was in a wheelchair being wheeled to the car and sent home to recover. It seemed a little strange to be going home so quickly, but frankly I was relieved to be able to go home instead of being made to wait any longer.  I longed to be tucked into my own bed. I'm sure the ride home was painful because I remember being in pain the first two days, despite pretty heavy narcotics and muscle relaxers, but the ride is a little drug-induced hazy. The drugs took the edge off of the pain, for which I was very grateful. Surprisingly, they didn't put me to sleep like everyone thought they would, so I was pretty alert most of the day after getting home. Steve ended up having to take care of me and my needs more than either of us thought he would have to that first day, thinking I'd sleep the whole day.

The next day, Saturday, my mom came. I love my husband and he is a wonderful nurse, but my heart leapt for joy when I heard the sound of my mom's voice. She had proved to be a wonderful caregiver when she helped me recover from my lap band surgery, and there's no one like one's mother. She was a blessing the whole 11 days she stayed with us, especially since this recovery was a lot more difficult than my previous surgery and my life has more to it now - a dog, a garden, a home, and a husband that all needed to be cared for in different ways.

Although I was in constant pain those first couple days, it was a dull pain that I could live with. I ate light but fairly normally; soup, oatmeal, crackers, popsicles, pudding. On the third day, I started moving around more and spent a few hours sitting in the living room when my brother came to visit. I'm guessing this extra movement must have caused some extra swelling because suddenly I couldn't get anything to go past my lap band, not even water. It would go down, sit in my pouch, then come back up an hour or so later. This went on for a few days and didn't let up, even when I stopped moving around as much to try to reduce whatever swelling had occurred. We finally started contacting local bariatric doctors to try to get in to have the saline in my band removed so it would loosen and allow food and water to get to my stomach. No one would get me in despite it being somewhat of an emergency. I wasn't in good health by Wednesday, physically and mentally I was depleted and desperate. Mom and I started contemplating driving to my bariatric surgeon in St. George to get my band loosened and called their office to discuss it. Fortunately, my surgeon told his staff about three hospitals in Salt Lake who can perform the task needed. I called the first one and was told to come in whenever. I asked if someone would be there who could do it and he said that if there wasn't they would just call the bariatric clinic across the street and steal one of their doctors. Hmmm. I asked the name of the clinic - it was one who couldn't fit me in to their schedule. I called that clinic back and told them that if they didn't get me in the next day, I'd go to the emergency room and they'd end up having to send over one of their doctors anyway. I got an appointment for 4:00pm.

With my band loosened, recovery took off! I had the doctor remove most of the saline but I'm only able to eat the amounts I could before my tummy tuck, so I know there's still swelling going on in there. It's good because I'm getting the water and nutrients I need to be healthy but still get the aid of the lap band to prevent over-eating.

We knew the first week would be the hardest and it was, even without my band complication to deal with. I was on a drug regime where I'd take a pain narcotic then three hours later a muscle relaxer followed by a pain narcotic three hours later - you get the pattern. I discovered that lortab makes me kind of goofy when it kicks it, not sleepy. We also had to deal with my drainage tubes and the grenade-looking bulbs that collected the blood/drainage. They had to be drained and the amount measured every 6 hours. Once the drainage got to a certain point, the tubes would be removed, which didn't happen until day 11. My mom woke up at midnight, 3am, and 6am for several days to give me my pills and to drain my tubes and to allow Steve to sleep since he had to go to work. Again, mom's presence was such a blessing!!!

I got the tubes removed this week on Tuesday, day 11. They were just barely below the required amount and I'd been praying with all my heart they'd get below it by this doctor's appointment so I could get them removed. I didn't think to ask and no one told me what getting the tubes removed would feel like. After the first one came out, the nurse said most people say it feels like a pinch and a burn. My second one kind of felt like that but a little worse. The first tube, however, felt like someone had stuck a hot poker inside me then removed it somewhat quickly, burning me all the way out. I've never felt such raw, unhindered pain before in my life. It seriously made me rethink getting the second tube removed. Now that they're out, though, I'm so relieved. I can wear normal clothing (though I don't most of the time since I'm just hanging at home with the dog) and I'm not toting around those awful plastic grenades.

I am, however, stuck with a stomach binder for the next few weeks (six weeks minimum post surgery). You see, not only did the surgeon remove a bunch of fat and skin, but he also repaired my stomach muscles. That repair work is very sensitive and the binder gives it the support needed to make sure there aren't any complications. It also helps the skin form to my new sleeker shape. At first, I hated it because it's uncomfortable, but the first night we washed it and I didn't have it on, I could really tell the difference it makes to wear it. Movements hurt a lot more without it. I now have a couple Spanx-like products that fit better under clothes but that offer the same support. They're incredibly difficult to get on though, so I only wear them when going out in regular clothes; otherwise, I'm in the white binder the doctor gave me.

Each day is better than the next and I'm finally feeling like a person again. I constantly feel my stomach area. I take pain relievers still but a lot less frequently, so it isn't pain I feel but more of a tightness. The sores from my tube area are finally scabbing over and are a little itchy, as is the sensitive area down there that had to be shaved as part of the surgery. I move slowly and a little like Frankenstein's monster, but I know it will get easier and easier. I can even take Sadie for short walks without my cane AND can shower without using the shower chair Steve bought when our lawn patio footstool collapsed under me the first time we used it (causing me a good deal of pain).

My body isn't perfect. It never will be. I still have flabby thighs, pooches above my bum, flabby arms, and breasts that sag without the aid of a good bra. I can live with all of those things. The thing that made me feel like I still weighed 350 lbs, my stomach, is gone. I finally feel like I look normal, like I should. I finally feel like I look like me. Yesterday was the first day I truly felt it. My sister-in-law and nephew came for a visit so I actually got dressed and put on make up. Then today I had a job interview and wore a pair of slacks and a shirt that I would never have worn together because the shirt didn't cover my whole stomach area. I almost cried when I saw how normal I looked. I don't need to be the skinniest person or have the perfect body, I've just wanted to feel normal, and today I felt it. It felt amazing!

So, I took pictures. Here's the before - this is me before my lap band surgery.

This is me today.

I should point out that I took these pictures just barely, not this morning, and I'm wearing the bulky white binder instead of the sleeker Spanx-like thing I wore this morning.

Here are some pictures of the white bulky binder.

Doctor told me that it takes up to 6 whole months before the full results show up (swelling and such), but I must say that I'm thrilled with the results so far! The next few weeks will be much better than the previous two and I'll slowly be able to get back into my normal exercise and life routines.

Has it been hard. Yes. Has it been worth it? Yes. Very much so.