Monday, April 28, 2008

The Merry Month of May

May is just around the corner, and I'm already looking forward to June.

I know that it's technically not a good idea to wish one's life away, but I'm wishing May away with all my heart. The wish may even come true halfway through the month when I blow out my birthday cake candles. I mean...if that's even what I end up wishing for. I can't tell you because a birthday wish won't come true if you tell people what it is. However, don't be surprised if you wake up the day after I blow out my candles and the date is June 1.

I digress.

Just for kicks, AND for my own benefit (so I don't forget anything), here what's coming up in May:

May 1: CDL driving exam. Keep your fingers crossed that I pass it. I've improved a lot, but...who knows if I'll have testing day jitters and end of failing because I ran over half a class of kindergartners on their way back to school from a field trip to the park.

May 1: Women in Business board meeting.

May 2: Possible date with boyfriend. If not, and maybe if so, Pie in the Sky with friends. Mmmm. Pie. Yummy!

May 3: A couple possibilities - hiking Bryce Canyon, working, driving to American Fork, date with bf, and/or something else that I can't remember. It'll come to me eventually. I hope.

May 4: If I didn't drive to AF on Saturday, I'll be driving to AF this day, after church, of course.

May 5: Industrial hearing tests in AF. Driving to Tooele. (For you non-Utahns, it's pronounced Too-ill-uh.)

May 6: Industrial hearing tests in Tooele. Driving home.

May 8: Dinner with high school friends. Also, the birthdays of one of my best friends - she'll be 30!! - and a beloved missionary companion who will be turning 31.

May 9-10: Probably a date or two with bf and/or playing with friends/family.

May 11: Mother's Day. Surely, my family will have some sort of celebration for my mom.

May 12: Driving to Price, after church, of course.

May 13: Industrial testing in Price. Driving home.

May 14: Industrial testing at local manufacturing plant.

May 15: Industrial testing at same local manufacturing plant. It's also my birthday. I'll be 31, in case you were wondering. Because I'll be working most of the day, I'm not planning anything special on this day to celebrate. I think I'm gonna be too tired.

May 16: Women in Business luncheon.

May 16-18: One or more of these days will hold a birthday party of sorts with family, probably a date with bf, and more time with friends, hopefully.

May 19: Boss's 40th birthday. My coworker and I are planning a wicked surprise for him. Tee hee. (Wicked = cool, not mean.)

May 21: Industrial testing for local national park rangers.

May 22: Industrial testing for same local national park rangers.

May 23-26: Memorial Day weekend - could entail a trip to Vernal with my mom (I don't know what her plans are), BBQ/camping at home, or the normal weekend activities of date with bf, friends, family, church, etc.

May 29: Coworker's birthday. No, I'm not going to tell you how old she'll be.

I think that's it. I may have forgotten some things (I forgot Mother's Day on my first draft), but you get the idea...I'm gonna be busy in May.

On top of all this, I've decided to buy a condo and will be settling all the details for the purchase and possibly moving during this month. The seller and I have agreed on a price and tomorrow I'm meeting with my lender to fill out a loan application. If things go according to my agent's plans, everything could be finished, settled, and closed in time for me to move in at the end of the month. Don't ask me when I'll find the time, I'm not sure. If the deal goes through, I'll post pictures of the condo as soon as I take pictures of it. That could be next week or next year, so don't hold your breath. :)

Also, Anthony and I are planning on getting together at least once every week for FHE (family home evening, in case you are unfamiliar with this acronym). It's a long story that I'm not going to tell, and I don't want you to read too much into it. We aren't engaged, and this weekend I made darn sure he knew that I don't think either of us are ready to be engaged. Really, we just decided to get together to read the scriptures since he struggles with understanding them, then he suggested that we turn it into FHE while we were at it, so we're also going to eat dessert and have an activity (movie, games, walk to the softball park, etc.). I think it will be good for both of us.

Honestly, I'm not really dreading May, it just makes me tired thinking of everything that is coming up. There are actually some really good things happening that I'm excited about, so I'm sure it will all be very enjoyable (except the CDL test) and I'll finish May with lots of good, happy memories.

How's that for positive thinking??? :)

Monday, April 14, 2008


I never would have thought I'd end up being a truck driver. Hey, I may not drive a semi, but I do drive a very large, very wide (duelly) truck while towing an unbelievably long (40 ft) and heavy trailer. What can I say, I'm a woman of many talents.

Although, I'm not entirely sure driving is one of those talents, certainly not an inherent one. Today and Saturday, I spent the morning hours practicing backing up with the truck/trailer in the stake center parking lot. Saturday morning, my boss (who I love, despite recent comments that sound like I don't) re-explained the basics of backing to me then let me practice on my own while he played with his son on the nearby grass. I appreciated that he was letting me try to figure it out, but I was very self-conscious knowing that he could see every mistake I made. Today, once we got to the stake center, he rode his bike home and didn't come back for a few hours. You see, I only have my permit, so I need a licensed CDL driver whenever I'm driving on public land. It's okay to practice in the parking lot without a licensed driver because it's private property. We even have permission from the stake president. Woohoo! It was nice today to be able to do whatever I wanted and not feel like he was wondering what the heck I was doing. After a couple hours, I finally started to get the hang of it. A little.

The true problem about backing up with a trailer is the seemingly (to me) illogical fact that if I want the back of the trailer to go right, I need to turn the steering wheel left and vice versa. My boss and his uncle and my dad all explained to me why this was so, and I could even understand what they were saying. However, when I got behind the wheel and needed to actually do it, my brain couldn't adjust. When I wanted the trailer to go right, I'd steer right and it'd go left. It was very frustrating, especially on Saturday. Finally, I stopped trying to back into the lane created by cones that my boss had set up and just backed up wherever I wanted, just to get the feel of how the truck and trailer moved. That helped a lot. By the end of the morning, I was finally beginning to catch on. Today, I worked on backing into the lanes; straight back, off-tracking, and 90-degree angle backing. I still need to practice a lot, but I'm feeling tons better.

Tomorrow, I'll be driving in town!! It'll be the first time I've ever done so. Up 'til now, I've only driven on rural roads and on I-70 (on the trip to Colorado), so I'm a little nervous about making turns with this huge monster while being surrounded by other vehicles. Did I mention it's huge??? I'm just praying I don't hit another car, run over a stop sign, or - worst of all - take out a pedestrian. Hmmm. I wonder what my boss would do if I do any of the above? Probably laugh if I do the second, but probably not so much if I do the first or third. Hey, if you live in my town, stay off the roads during the morning if you can possibly help it!! I'll be driving from 10am to 12pm, so consider yourselves warned.

I take the CDL driving test on May 1. I'm nervous. I'm a fairly intelligent person, academically speaking; I can tell you the year England was last successfully invaded (1066), discuss the impact of Keynsian economic policies in the United States, and form a fairly adequate regression analysis. However, give me something practical to do, like screw in a light bulb, and I end up figuring out the hardest possible way of accomplishing the task. Hence why I usually sit at a desk, in front of a computer screen, and compute things instead of working with my hands. Hence why, of all the people in this world that I know personally, I'm 4th to last on the list of people I could ever picture driving a huge truck and trailer. 4th to last!! That's significant; I know a lot of people.

And yet, I'm driving a monster truck and trailer. I may even (heaven help me!) pass my driving test and get a class A CDL with an air brake exception. That means I'd have the same license class as a semi driver, but couldn't actually drive a semi because they have air brakes and I don't know anything about air brakes.

So...just call me J-Rigg. I'm a truck-driving, trailer-towing, backwards-going, stop sign-avoiding hottie with an attitude the size of her rig, dark shades, red lipstick, and country music blaring in the cab.

And, thanks, Natalie, for coming up with the name; every truck driver needs a trucker name. Now I have mine. :)

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Last Night

So...last night I almost broke up with Anthony. NO, not because of Shawn - don't be silly. Truth be told, I had been thinking about doing it for over a week but hadn't made up my mind.

As I hinted at in my last post, I haven't felt all that desirable around Anthony. Part of it is due to my physical flaws, but another part of it has to do with him, and I'm not going to go into that. Sorry. For awhile, I had been feeling like the physical side of our relationship was seriously lacking. There had been such serious talk on the emotion aspect of our relationship - heck, our marriage is practically a given to him - however, there hasn't been the physical aspect to go along with the emotional, so I've been left feeling like he loves me but isn't attracted to me. The situation with Shawn really made me realize what I was missing - to feel like a man wanted me was heavenly! Even if it was insincere (who knows), he was at least acting like it was sincere!

I asked Anthony to come over last night. He had something he needed to do first, so I had about 45 minutes to think about what I was going to do. I prayed for the guidance and courage to do what would be best. Shortly before he arrived (5 minutes early, no less!), I came to the very sudden conclusion that I didn't want to break up with him. I just didn't. So, when I told him about Shawn and he asked me if I wanted to be with Shawn more than him, I could look him in the eyes and truthfully say no. He wasn't mad about Shawn; he said he was shocked, but not mad or hurt. He was glad I had told him, honesty is very important in a relationship. I wasn't always sure if I was going to tell him or not. Several people had suggested I not tell him, so as not to hurt him needlessly, but when Cassie told me she'd go with what her gut said, I knew I needed to. My gut was screaming for me to tell him.

After we settled the Shawn incident, we ended up talking for a long time about our physical relationship. It just came up without me even having to get up the nerve to bring it up! How's that for cool??? I really appreciated how open we could be with each other and was amazed by how comfortable I felt talking to him about such personal, sensitive issues. At the end of the chat, I felt closer to him than I ever have, and I know he felt the same because he acted like he did. And if anything, I believe that Anthony is sincere.

I don't know if we'll "end up together", but right now, today, I'm happy we're together. I want to be with him. I want him in my life. I want him as my boyfriend.

Lucky for me, he feels the same about me.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Colorado Craziness

I had a crazy weekend.

It was a good weekend, for all its craziness. The job went remarkably well. The officer in charge of the physicals was really impressed with me and asked if I'd be free and willing to come again next weekend, April 18 - 20. I would like to, but my boss is still unsure about how he feels about letting me work on Sundays. Everyone I worked with this past weekend was great; helpfuly, friendly, efficient. I'd enjoy working with them again. You see, a unit from Denver came to Montrose and Grand Junction to administer the physicals. Normally, they make the individual units travel to Denver, but for some reason, this weekend and this other time, they're going onsite. That's why they needed an independent audio van - their hearing testing facilities aren't mobile. It was really nice to work with the same group Saturday and Sunday - we really worked well together and things ran smoothly. It was nice.

It's also why the weekend was crazy. The liasion between me and the Denver unit was this really attractive black sergeant, for now we'll call him Sgt. T. He introduced himself when I arrived Saturday morning and explained that he'd coordinate the people going to the trailer to be tested and would be there if I had any questions or if I needed anything. I thanked him and went to the trailer to set up. Throughout the morning, Sgt. T would stop by to check on me. He was very nice, very helpful, and things wouldn't have gone as well as they did without him. At one point, I thought that Alyson would find him really attractive. I say that to let you know that I only thought of him as a nice guy, not someone I was interested in, even though he was nice and good-looking. The role he played in the craziness comes later.

About an hour before I finished testing on Saturday, I met several members of the Denver unit. They had come to compare names of who had and hadn't been tested by all the different people, including myself. When they left, one of the guys stayed behind to chat with me. I didn't know why, but I didn't mind because he was quiet enough and let me continue to work while we talked. He was pretty attractive, too, by the way. Anyway, we ended up getting into a debate about ear care and he got pretty passionate about it, it was amusing. He really wanted me to agree with him and I didn't and nothing he said could change my mine. It took me awhile to realize that he was flirting with me. It was kind of funny. At one point, we discovered that we're both Mormon, though he's inactive. Of course. He told me to call him Fred and asked if he could call me Julie, as opposed to Miss M____. I said yes, of course. Fred was the one that told me that we'd all be working together Sunday in Grand Junction. I had a lot of fun talking to him, especially arguing with him. When I finished testing, he left to finish his paperwork. Then my dad and I packed up and headed to Grand Junction.

Sunday morning I reported to the armory a little before the time I was told to be there, because I'm a freak about time, so I was ready to go earlier than they expected. So, I just sat in the trailer for 15 minutes, waiting for the first people to come. The door opened and it was Sgt. T checking to see if I needed anything. I said no and told him I was ready to start any time. Instead of going to get the first group, he stayed for a few minutes to chat. Throughout the morning he came by to "check on me" a lot more than he had the previous day. After a few visits, he started to get really flirtatious. One time he came in and said, "Hello, beautiful." I just rolled my eyes and shook me head. Men! He started lightly touching my arm when he left. Then one time when he left he held my hand for a second. Call me dumb, because I am, but I didn't think much of any of this. In my defense, I was busy working! And, I'm oblivious.

Well, one time he came to compare how many people I'd tested to how many he thought had been tested. I gave him my sticky note pad and he jotted down a couple numbers on one, ripped it off, and wrote something else down on another sheet. He ripped this off the pad and gave it to me, saying, "This is top-secret." I looked at him quizzingly then looked at what he'd written. He'd written his name, Shawn, and his phone number. I looked up him, eye brows raised, and he explained that they aren't suppose to hit on contractors, which is why it needed to be a secret. I asked him why he was doing it then. He said that he couldn't help himself, I'm too beautiful. I said hooey. He laughed and asked who says hooey nowadays. I laughed and said that I say hooey, especially when it's warranted. He leaned down (I was seated, he was standing), looked into my eyes, and told me that I have the most amazing smile and that he'd spent the night thinking about it. I blushed and looked down. He lifted my chin and looked me in the eye again. Then he kissed me. I saw the kiss coming a split second before it happened, but not soon enough to do anything about it. It was a light kiss, and his lips were really soft. Fortunately, people were coming, we could hear their voices, so he pulled away and left as they came into the trailer. As I was testing them I kept repeating to myself, did that really just happen?? Shawn came back a couple times after the kiss but people were always there, so he didn't stay long.

I had a bit of a break at one point and the door opened. I turned toward the door, expecting to see Shawn, but it was Fred. He said he'd been thinking about me all night and wanted to stop by to say hi. He asked how my evening was and where I'd stayed the night. When I told him, we discovered that our hotels had been across the street from each other. He said it was too bad we hadn't known the day before, we could have done something together in the evening. I laughed and said that I had enjoyed spending time with my dad. We renewed our debate about ear care and I asked why he was so intent to persuade me. He replied that he just liked arguing with me. He was about to say something else, but the door opened and Shawn was there. He asked Fred why he was there when he should be doing paperwork. Fred said he'd come see me again later and left. Shawn asked me if I minded Fred being there, that if I did, he'd tell Fred not to come again. I said I didn't mind, that we were debating ear care issues and mentioned what we'd discovered about our hotels. Shawn had stayed where Fred had, and he said the same thing Fred had about us being able to spend time together had we known. I repeated what I had said to Fred about my dad. We were both silent for a moment, then Shawn stepped toward me. A little panicked, I asked him how many people were left for me to test. He said he'd go check and let me know, then he left.

I tested a few people before Shawn returned with the info. He told me how many were left, then said he wasn't sure if he'd get a chance to say goodbye to me before he had to go, so he wanted to then. I knew he was going to try to kiss me again, so when he leaned forward, I hugged him instead of letting him kiss me. Normally, I wouldn't hug someone I had barely met, but I figured it was the better of the two options. However, when I pulled away from the hug, Shawn's hand went under my hair and settled right where my head meets my neck, and he pulled my head close and kissed me. Twice. Again, soft, light kisses. I pulled away, eye brows raised, what are you doing? He chuckled and whispered that he had wanted to kiss me again ever since the first kiss and could barely think of anything else all day. I blushed redder than a radish and just shook my head. He asked me if I didn't believe him and I said I didn't know. Then he kissed me again. Sigh. It's been a long time since I've been kissed like that. A long time. I finally pulled away and sat down. It was time to tell him about my boyfriend.

Okay, on the drive home from Colorado, I replayed everything that had happened with Shawn and Fred a million times in my head. I realize that I could have handled the situation in many different ways, and several of them would have been better than how I actually handled it. However, in the moment, I just reacted to what was happening without analyzing what I should do or say. Now, I know I should have mentioned my boyfriend a whole lot sooner than I did, but I just didn't think I'd need to. I honestly didn't realize what was happening until it happened. I can't explain it any better. I'm sorry.

Back to the story. I sat down to tell Shawn about Anthony, but the door opened with the next group to be tested, so Shawn left. It should have only taken 30 minutes to test the remaining people, but there were unseen complications and it took a lot longer. During this time, Fred and Shawn repeatedly stopped by to talk to me. Once, they came seconds apart and we spent a fairly awkward few minutes talking. At least, I felt uncomfortable, I don't know about them. Both had made their intentions fairly clear (for brevity's sake, I've left out some of the things said to me during their various visits), AND we all knew they weren't suppose to be hitting on me, but they were, and we all knew it. At one point, I was talking to my dad, who had shown up because I had thought I'd be done, explaining why I wasn't done yet, and Shawn came over to tell me I only had three people left and they were being rounded up. I introduced him to my dad and told my dad that Shawn had been my liaison for the two days. Shawn said he'd enjoyed taking care of me and that I was a remarkable woman. I could have died.

Finally, everyone had been tested and we were all packing up to head out. Fred stopped by and said that he hoped we'd be working together more in the future. He said he had enjoyed meeting me and that I was an amazing woman. I thanked him and said I'd enjoyed talking to him. He told me to stay out of trouble, and when I joked that I always stay out of trouble because I'm an angel, he stepped really close (I wondered if he was going to kiss me, but he didn't) and whispered that I was an angel. He started to say something, hesistated, then he said goodbye and left. Shortly after he left, Shawn returned. We went over the final numbers and verified that all the paperwork had been taken care of, then it was time to say our goodbyes. I knew he was going to kiss me and I was resigned to let him. At this point, I figured it was over, so what the hay. Before he made his move, though, he asked me how long it would take me to get home. I told him and he did a quick calculation to come up with how long it would take him to drive to my home from Denver. He said he'd finally decided where he'd like to go for his vacation. Again, I just smiled and shook my head in disbelief. It was too much! He chuckled and pulled me in for a light kiss. After it ended, he went in for another kiss but I was done, so I pulled away firmly. He smiled and we said goodbye. I didn't see either of them again. A little while later, Dad and I headed home.

It's times like these that I realize how inexperienced, stupid, and naive I am. I'm not used to attractive men hitting on me, especially as obviously as Shawn. I don't have practice in handling those situations. However, I should say that at no point did I feel like I couldn't take care of myself. When I was uncomfortable, it was because I'm not used to such flattery, not because I felt harrassed or in danger. Does that make sense? I know that at any time I could have stopped what was happening and they would have respected my wishes. I didn't, though, and I'm feeling a lot of guilt and confusion about that. I ask myself if I'd have let it happen if I weren't so uncertain about my relationship with Anthony. Not that it should matter; I have a boyfriend and yet I let two men hit on me, even kiss me! The truth is, it's been years and years since I've felt like a guy has been attracted to me, has desired me, and it felt incredibly good. I don't get that from Anthony. But, then perhaps that's a post for another day.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Gone Yet Again

Tomorrow, I'm off on another business trip.

This time I'm administering hearing tests in Montrose and Grand Junction, CO. It's been kind of hectic getting ready to go since it was a last-minute decision to take the job AND because it's a job unlike any of the others I've done. It's for the military and the poor guy couldn't find anyone else to do it. My boss really deliberated about accepting the job because I'll be working on Sunday. I said I wouldn't mind doing it, this once, but he's pretty strict about the Sabbath (which is a good thing). In the end, he figured it was kind of an "ox in the mire" situation for the military because they couldn't find anyone else and the tests needed to be done, so he consented to take the job. I've been jumping through hoops all week since the military is really particular and wants certain paperwork done beforehand, throughout, and at the end. Plus I needed to do a background check for them, give them every ounce of data I have about myself, and sign away the rights to my fourth child (little do they know that I'm not planning on having four kids! teehee).

Once I get on the road tomorrow, I think everything will be okay. I just get stressed about making sure everything is ready. My boss makes fun of me because I have to have everything perfect and have to plan for every contingency. I retort that it's those qualities (and others) that were the reason he wanted me to be in charge of the industrial testing, so leave me alone. I'm looking forward to getting in the truck and driving off into the sunset, leaving all my cares at home. Well...we're leaving at 10am, so I guess there won't be a sunset, but you know what I mean.

It's a 6-hour drive to Montrose, according to mapquest, so I'm planning on 7 hours, with stops and towing an enourmously heavy trailer. I only have my CDL permit, so I can only drive legally if there's someone with a class A CDL in the truck with me. My dad kindly agreed to come along this weekend, since my boss didn't get his CDL in time and we couldn't get anyone else to do it. It will give me a lot of practice driving the truck/trailer, which I need since I've only driven the beast twice and am supposedly getting my CDL sometime soon. I'm looking forward to talking to Dad on the drive and to reconnect with him some more. He's bringing his golf clubs so he can get in some golfing while I'm testing, then we'll get to hang out in the evenings, with our expenses covered by the business. Nice. Really, as long as everything goes okay with the testing, this should be a really nice weekend.

I just looked at the clock. What am I doing??? I don't have time to blog - there's too much left to do still!! So, bye y'all. Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Big Question

Last night, Anthony asked me to marry him.

I asked him to let me think about it for a couple days.

He still wants to get married outside of the temple first.

I don't know what to do.