You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love;
The running across fields into your lovers arms
Can only come later when you're sure they won't
Laugh at you if you trip.
- Jonathan Carroll
That quote was on the program at church. It made me laugh.
It also made me think. I'm very cautious in relationships. I try so hard to be perfect.
Must not get mad. Must not make mistakes. Must not be illogical...ever. Must look nice. Must be nice always. Must smile...a lot. No tripping!
Seriously, for ages I've believed that if I let a guy see me being what I think is less-than-perfect, he wouldn't like me any more. So, I try to hide all my negative emotions as much as possible and pretend that everything is okay, always.
It's exhausting. And, it's unfair - to him and to me. I need to be able to be myself. He needs to see that I have bad days. I should be able to tell him when he's being an insensitive jerk. He needs to see that sometimes I'm a bossy, insensitive jerk.
Slowly, I'm getting better, thanks mostly to my relationship with Anthony. The first time I got mad at him, I thought our relationship was over. Instead, he actually apologized and promised not to do it again, and he didn't. Despite his hearing loss, we were able to communicate better than any other boyfriend I'd had. I could be totally open with him because I trusted how he felt about me and that it wouldn't change because of one bad mood. I realized that I had never really given my past boyfriends a chance to show me they could be trusted the same way.
It gives me a new "criteria" for the guy that I'll someday marry (cross my fingers): he'll be someone who I trust enough to show all my imperfections to. I'll know that he won't leave just because I'm in a bad mood. He won't hate me because I get upset at him. He'll think I'm pretty even without makeup and with curlers in my hair. When I cry, he'll hold me. In short, I can be 100% me and he'll love me for being me.
I want to be able to trip and know that he won't laugh.
Okay, he can laugh...once he helps me up, makes sure I'm ok, and kisses my scraped knees and elbows.
I guess, really, I want a man who doesn't walk away when I trip.
Of course, that means that I'll actually have to let him see me trip. Scary!