So...last night I almost broke up with Anthony. NO, not because of Shawn - don't be silly. Truth be told, I had been thinking about doing it for over a week but hadn't made up my mind.
As I hinted at in my last post, I haven't felt all that desirable around Anthony. Part of it is due to my physical flaws, but another part of it has to do with him, and I'm not going to go into that. Sorry. For awhile, I had been feeling like the physical side of our relationship was seriously lacking. There had been such serious talk on the emotion aspect of our relationship - heck, our marriage is practically a given to him - however, there hasn't been the physical aspect to go along with the emotional, so I've been left feeling like he loves me but isn't attracted to me. The situation with Shawn really made me realize what I was missing - to feel like a man wanted me was heavenly! Even if it was insincere (who knows), he was at least acting like it was sincere!
I asked Anthony to come over last night. He had something he needed to do first, so I had about 45 minutes to think about what I was going to do. I prayed for the guidance and courage to do what would be best. Shortly before he arrived (5 minutes early, no less!), I came to the very sudden conclusion that I didn't want to break up with him. I just didn't. So, when I told him about Shawn and he asked me if I wanted to be with Shawn more than him, I could look him in the eyes and truthfully say no. He wasn't mad about Shawn; he said he was shocked, but not mad or hurt. He was glad I had told him, honesty is very important in a relationship. I wasn't always sure if I was going to tell him or not. Several people had suggested I not tell him, so as not to hurt him needlessly, but when Cassie told me she'd go with what her gut said, I knew I needed to. My gut was screaming for me to tell him.
After we settled the Shawn incident, we ended up talking for a long time about our physical relationship. It just came up without me even having to get up the nerve to bring it up! How's that for cool??? I really appreciated how open we could be with each other and was amazed by how comfortable I felt talking to him about such personal, sensitive issues. At the end of the chat, I felt closer to him than I ever have, and I know he felt the same because he acted like he did. And if anything, I believe that Anthony is sincere.
I don't know if we'll "end up together", but right now, today, I'm happy we're together. I want to be with him. I want him in my life. I want him as my boyfriend.
Lucky for me, he feels the same about me.