Monday, September 10, 2007

Rainy Days and Mondays...

...always get me down.

Then there days like today, Monday AND rainy. It's hard not to feel a little blue.

It doesn't help that Adam and I broke up last night.

I'm okay, really.

I'm sad, of course. Very, very sad. But relieved, too. I've been so unhappy; it was time to end our relationship. Yes, we maybe could have worked things out, but as I thought more about it last night, I realized that it would have probably only been a temporary fix and we'd end up back in this spot at a later date. Fortunately, I feel like we ended things mutually and amicably.

That's why I'm sad. Adam became one of my best and closest friends. Whenever something happened in my life, I immediately thought about telling him. I trusted him enough to truly be myself, even my sometimes unpleasant self. He made me laugh when I was feeling blue and understood me when I needed to feel understood. He's a good man and I'll always love him.

Cardine asked me if I regretted giving a relationship with Adam a second chance. No, I don't. Not at all. He still ended up not being the man for me, but it was worth figuring that out again. There are several reasons we aren't compatible, but they aren't important now. Here are the reasons I'm glad Adam and I gave it a go a second time:

1. I never believed I could love a man. I learned that I can. Good to know. Very good.

2. I also never believed that I could trust a man. Don't get me wrong, I know very many wonderful men that I believe to be very trustworthy. I just never thought I could trust a man to be honest with me, to not cheat on me, to mean it when he said nice things to me, to really love me. I trusted Adam. And, he still hasn't given me a reason to not trust him.

3. At one point in our relationship, I actually could picture spending the rest of my life with him. This is MONUMENTAL!! Marriage has never been something I could see happening for me. I was no longer violently opposed to the idea of getting married, but I wasn't actually wanting it. I liked being single. Now, I realize that being in a relationship is kind of nice and someday, when the timing and man are right, I can see myself being in an eternal relationship.

4. Practice. I realized lately that I've spent 11 of the last 12 years being not in a relationship (juliespeak for "being single"). No wonder I'm better at being single than being with someone! So, this was good practice. Not that I thought of it as practice at the time, I was really committed to the relationship. However, now that it's over, I can see what I did that was good and what I did that wasn't so good. Hmmm. This isn't coming out right. Adam, if you ever read this, I hope you know what I mean. You probably do. You always did.

5. Firefly and Good Omens. He introduced me to the enjoyable series Firefly and the absolutely delightful book Good Omens. In fact, he gave me the DVDs for the series AND the book! Isn't he nice?

6. Love and friendship. It's always nice when someone loves you and thinks you're special. And, it's nice to love someone else. I do believe that he really loved me and I certainly loved him. Like I mentioned earlier, we became very good friends and I'll cherish that friendship forever, even though we'll never be able to be such good friends again. That's the truly horrible part of ending a relationship. Understandable, but sad.

So, it's over, but it's been quite a ride. Ups and downs, twists and turns. I stuck with it to the end of the ride, and I'm proud of myself. And I had a lot of fun.

Adam, thank you. For everything.


James & Melissa's Family said...

I am the first the leave a comment, amazing, I never seem to get here before anyone else. I am so sorry to hear that things between you and Adam didn't work out. If there is anything I can do, let me know. Maybe we could get together if you want to let me know. Take care and have a Wonderful Day.

Framed said...

What a bittersweet post. And what a great attitude you have about the whole relationship. You are amazing.

Candleman said...

I wish met him and am glad I didn't. I'm glad you have open feelings about future relationships and marriage (an institution I highly recommend.

Relationships are risky, but even the painful, ended ones are better than never having taken then chance.

I'm amazed at your wisdom and remarkable ability to learn from your life's experiences.

tearese said...

I guess its good the relationship ended now, rather than after you were more committed to each other. Good luck with the future.

Cardine said...

Awwww... this was actually quite the feel-good post. It was actually uplifting. I am impressed with your ability to see the good in hard situations.

Thanks for being a great friend and a great example of a caring individual. I think that if everyone viewed relationships like that, the world would be a better place.

KieraAnne said...

That sucks, I'm sorry things had to end like that as you were so happy about him in your other post. :( But hey, at least you have Firefly now! That series totally rocks! ;)

tearese said...

And the Serenity movie they made about it was pretty cool too.

julie said...

Thanks for all the nice comments, everybody.

Yes, I'm okay with the fact that our relationship is over, but it doesn't mean that I'm not a mess. Trust me, I'm a MESS! I'm constantly on the verge of tears and last night I broke down a couple times and just sobbed. Today a mean patient made me cry when I never would have before (I have a pretty thick skin). My boss and coworker say nice things to me to cheer me up, and I start to cry because they are such good friends. Yes, folks, I'm a mess.

I hate crying. I hope this phase ends soon.

On a cheerful note, the FedEx driver that we've become friends with wants to set me up with her brother who lives in Las Vegas. In a moment of insanity, I gave her my number to give to him (when she asked for it). Today, she told me she gave it to him last night and that he's going to call me in a couple days. Sigh. What have I got myself into! :)

julie said...

P.S. Kiera and Tearese, I'm so happy you know Firefly and Serenity! I love them! In fact, Cardine, Shiree, and I are watching the series whenever we can. I watched all the episodes quickly after he gave the dvds to me, but I've enjoyed them just as much the second time viewing them. And, I really enjoyed the movie!