Friday, August 22, 2008

Selling My Soul

Ever since my first year of college (1995), I've enjoyed being by myself. Before that, I reveled in being with people all the time. I had good friends, a boyfriend, and a close family, so I seemed to always be with people, very rarely alone. That first quarter of college was like being dunked in an ice bath; I had only two friends - my very strange roommate and a guy from high school - both of whom were very busy with school and jobs, so I never saw them. My boyfriend and I broke up. My family lived hours away. It was hard adjusting to so much time by myself.

Once I adjusted, though, I adjusted! I loved being alone - I craved being alone. I went to movies by myself, ate at Olive Garden by myself (I always imagined meeting a handsome Italian who was visiting and who, naturally, fell madly in love with me), walked all around town by myself. I mean, I had friends and roommates that I did things with, but I spent a lot of time alone. It was good for my soul.

My mission challenged me. Spending 24/7 with someone had it's good points (always had someone to tell my nightly dreams to), and luckily I had some good mission companions who made it easy to spend so much time with them. However, there were times I thought I'd explode if I didn't get time to myself. My first apartment's bathroom light was connected to a fan - if you turned on the light, you turned on the fan, too. It became my sactuary. I'd go in there to read, to think, to pretend to be alone, even though someone was just beyond the door. A couple weeks before I came home, I dreamed that I got to drive home from my mission, from Montreal to Utah. I stopped somewhere along the way and hung out at a park. I sat on a blanket on the grass (I'm allergic to grass even in my dreams) by a little stream and watched parents and kids play, enjoying the sunny Spring day. I basked in being alone. I woke up depressed.

My last roommate was one of my best friends (to clarify: she still is one of my best friends, she was my roommate). Looking back, I have a lot of regrets. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was at the point where I needed to live alone. We still had good times and stayed best of friends, but I wish I could go back and be a better roommate than I was. Fortunately, she was really patient with me. Thank you and sorry!!!

I've now lived on my own for over a year and frankly, I love it. I even loved it when I lived in my teeny tiny studio, but I love it ten million times more now that I have so much space! The kitchen is all my own to do with what I will; a fridge all to myself, no guilt when I leave the dishes in the sink until I get home from work, no sharing of kitchen toys. Sigh. I love it. I love being able to walk around my home looking ugly and not caring because who's going to see me? I get a lot of alone time. Aaaaaahhhhh.

So, I feel like I'm selling my soul. Tonight, I'm getting a roommate. Well, tonight and tomorrow she is moving in her stuff, but she's not planning on staying there until Sunday night. She's a nice girl, 21 years old, a senior in college, engaged, cute, and...well, nice. I chose her because she's engaged - she says she spends a lot of time at her fiance's house AND next summer she's getting married, so will move out. I don't really like the idea of kicking someone out, but I don't want a roommate that would stay for an indefinite time period. And, she's nice. We don't have a lot in common, which is good - I'm not looking for a best buddy. I bet we'll get along, though. It will just be strange to have someone living there with me. When I start to fret, I think of the money and what I plan to do with it.

See? I'm selling my soul.

11 comments:

Madman said...

Hope you got a good price....

warnser said...

wow, you did it huh?
Well good for you.

And good luck.

So you actually wanted an engaged girl huh?

I can see some of your reasoning.
well I hope it's awesome,
... or inconspicuous Ü

Cardine said...

I see what you mean about feeling like you're selling your soul. But I think and hope that it will work out for you well.

Booklogged said...

Best of luck. It sounds like things will go well most of the time. She will be gone lots and moving out in a year.

Sarah said...

Good for you.

Last night I went to a bridal shower for one of my cousins and another cousin told me I was getting "set in my ways" when I said I lived alone and liked it.

It made me think... how comfortable would I be in having a roommate at this point? I think your post summed up my feelings quite adequately... it would feel like selling my soul...

... but, maybe its not selling your soul, but expanding your comfort zone... which is a good thing.

I think what you're doing is a good thing. And I hope to hear all about it - the good times and bad (if there happen to be any at all - which reminds me... regrets? What could you possibly be referring to? I can't think of a single thing.)

Framed said...

I'll bet everything will turn out great. I hope I don't get on your nerves too much next week.

julie said...

Madman, mmm, I probably could have gotten more, but I'm okay with what I'm getting. Then I won't feel too guilty for taking up most of the space in the kitchen. :)

Warnser, yep, I did it. Yes, I really like that she's engaged. If her fiance didn't have his own place, it might be different, but he does. I'm hoping for awesome, too!

Cardine, I'm optimistic, too. Heck, how bad can it be???

Book, thanks for the wish of good luck. It'll be interesting, but today I'm actually looking forward to this "adventure".

Sarah, I definitely am getting set in my ways. That's not the reason I've opted to get a roommate, though, it's purely financial. If I weren't so impatient to accomplish some financial goals, I'd never have another roommate again! Being set in our ways is only bad if we live with someone who has different ways.

Framed, I KNOW you won't get on my nerves next week. NEXT WEEK!!! OMG, I'm so excited! Seriously, you're so laid-back and easy to get along with - I'm sure we'll all have a fabulous time! Have you checked out port activities yet? I've glanced at a few and found some to be intriguing.

julie said...

UPDATE: Liz, my roommate, moved her stuff in last night. She didn't have a lot (yeah!). After she got everything set up, she and her fiance, Jeff, left for the weekend and won't be back 'til Sunday night. So, I technically have a roommate, but today I'm enjoying being by myself with nowhere to go, no one to visit, nothing to do except clean my room, grocery shop, and set up my new wireless router (just finished). Aaaaahhhhh.

I love lazy weekends.

Melissa said...

Sounds like fun! You will be able to handle it.

Are you going on a cruise next week? I seem to remember you mentioning that you were going sometime. Have fun! I am way jealous!

Cardine said...

Geez. Why does it seem like I haven't seen you in forever?

tearese said...

Not till next summer? Ugh.